When Silence Speaks...

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My Favorite Read - 12 - I Must Betray You by Ruta Sepetys

“Guilt walks on all fours. It creeps, encircles, and climbs. It presses its thumbs to your throat. And it waits.” That’s the heartbreaking beauty Sepetys brings to her historical novels; and also why she is one of my favourite authors. Her writing is a work of art that rips apart your mind, body and soul, and then puts them back together; leaving you whole again with a knowing that something in you has shifted permanently. This book made me wonder, how many such Stalins, Hitlers, Ceaușescus, Mussolinis, Francos has the world birthed to date? How many such stories are still hidden behind an iron curtain even today? I cannot believe that something like this existed in the same world I live and breathe in. I did not know about Ceaușescu before this book. I deliberately stopped myself from googling about 1989 Romanian Revolution, or searching for pictures of Nicolae Ceaușescu and his wife Elena while reading this novel. But in the end, when I saw their smiling faces posing wit

Mom and the Dragon

So, an interesting conversation with my mom made me realize how little we know about our parents and this even after I spend hours at times listening to various accounts of her childhood. I am reading this book by Shanon Lee “Be water my friend” (not the book in the picture). Well, this morning while I was chatting with my mom, I started sharing some of Lee’s quotes without stating his name and we were having all these philosophical discussion, and she goes “So, where did you come across these, which guru are you listening to?” I say it wasn’t any monk but it was by a famous martial artist Bruce Lee; he was known for his quick feet and I started kicking my legs in the air trying to mimic kung-fu (which btw was more like me as kung-fu-panda). But knowing that mom hardly watched Hollywood movies, I did not expect her to know Lee. And hence my over exaggerated demonstration of his larger than life skill. She smiles and says “Yeah, I know him, he was lean like an iron rod but so quick on

Love, Loss and Father's Day

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but somehow words fail me. I started writing, and stopped at the first two sentences, erasing and rephrasing, re-iterating the process every time I attempted to write this. 8 months later, today on Father’s day, I think I finally am able to put words into meaningful sentences. It’s weird how most of the times, I just need an inspiration, an idea or a feeling to write pages together without any effort; and then there are times, when my mind is cluttered with so many thoughts ,eager to be put on paper that I find it hard to form a single straight sentence. But I feel like writing today, so here it goes. My best friend lost her mom to a health incident few months back. When I spoke to her she asked me how did I handle it when my dad passed away few years back. I could not explain it to her then, I just said you will learn to live through it. That was when I first tried to write this blog. Even after so many years, I don’t k

Another Foggy Day

Sometimes you go down the rabbit hole of self evaluation sub-consciously, without even realizing you are actually feeling that way. Usually takes a good friend to notice the signs and snap you out of it. And my sweetheart did that to me today. I am one of those who is very content and happy with life, quite comfortable in her skin and pretty confident about all the decisions; irrespective of them being right or wrong. I never felt apologetic for who I am and where I am right now. Me being single has been my strength all along and not something that I am ashamed of. I never saw it as my failure in life, no matter how much others tried to hammer that thought into me. Remember, I come from an asian society with strong cultural views. It wasn’t easy, and it took me through some pretty rough days in the beginning. But I came through. It’s not like I have not been in love or relationships, I just chose when to stop being in one. I don’t know what put me in the defensive mode recently

How much is too much?

How much of missing someone is too much? Being by myself for few years now, I know the perks of independence. But I also know the value of those worried parental background duet - the one that we usually label as nagging. It’s been 8 years since my dad passed away, but the strangest thing is, it feels like just yesterday. In my head, it feels like in recent past, like maybe last year. It’s only on his anniversary do I actually count the years, and every single time I am caught by surprise. I am not sad that he left us, I know that’s the way of life. I don’t mourn the suddenness of his departure in an accident, sometimes I think he was lucky to have escaped all the ailments of old age. I do however feel a knot in my chest, thinking of how many more beautiful moments we could have had together, of all the missed conversations, of all the philosophical debates, of all those ‘am proud of you’ and ‘I love you’, of that peaceful smile which is now just a memory. I know explaining things t

Solitude Meets Homesickness

I get asked a lot about my experience of staying alone. I stay alone, and hardly attend any social events apart from visiting couple of friends, once in 2-3 months. I reserve all my social energy for when am back home, where I throw myself into meeting all the loved ones I grew up with. And that happens once a year (due to Covid, it's over due by 2 years now). Anyway, my standard answer is although it comes naturally to me, to enjoy my solitude (the very definition is to be alone without feeling lonely) , I have learnt that it's not otherwise easy. And it isn't really something that everyone's personality blends into. My natural state of restlessness, forces me to indulge in numerous activities, keeping myself engaged, intrigued and entertained. And with time, it's become next to impossible to allow someone new to enter my personal space - whether as a roommate or a partner. That doesn't mean I am an introvert. If you meet me in a social gathering, you can easil

Privileged? Or Not?

Every now and then I hear the word “privileged” thrown around as an accusation; in various context; where it does not belong. Being used so carelessly, that it no longer means what it was originally coined for in the dictionary. Makes me wonder what does being privileged mean to these conversationalists? Is it being financially secure? Or being surrounded with a loving family? Or being unaffected by the political or societal adversities? Or being able to earn a livelihood? Or (the most popular these days) belonging to a particular race, colour, gender, religion, caste, class, nationality etc..etc..? Or even for simply being able to breathe? Because these are exactly the subjects where people vividly paint the picture of the privileged. Just look around you. Billions of people, billions of dreams, billions of opportunities, billions of survivalists. Either every one of them is privileged or no one is. You have to understand, privilege is not the same as (can’t find the right word, l

Why Be Wary?

Well, a disclaimer If my amma or sis reads this, they are going to tear me off the face of the globe right this second and pin me to the wall of our home back in my hometown. You will see why. But nevertheless, I had to share this for there are few things I can hardly contain, and this is one such incident. I have been rucking for over two months now, a 25lbs weight, pace of about 16 mins/mi, about 8 miles every day. Now with summer, some evenings are very pleasant. So I have gotten into the habit of carrying a flask of hot tea in my backpack and books. I have found couple of quiet spots in a park, and I sit there listening to classical music; oh yeah, I have for last 3 months now, gotten into listening to our old classics, Bach, Vivaldi, Listz, Mozart etc... Anyway, now that you have a snapshot of my routine, here’s what happened today. So it was a pleasant 19degC this evening, so I chose a late evening walk. Reached the park, picked my spot and sat on a stone, settling myself in, aro

And you judge?

Who are you to pass a judgement on the conflicts you have no true insight to? You, who carry a justification up your sleeve for every action of your life; You, who pretend to understand the pain of the sufferers having yourself never been touched by such adversity; You, who act like the one who has never faulted; You, who are so keen to sympathize the present without even attempting to understand the past that lead to this; You, who oh so confidently determine who the criminal is without ever knowing the true nature of the crime; You, who think it’s an unpardonable offence to not take a stand on every ill proceedings of this world and feel obligated to form rushed opinions; You, who think of yourself an idealist but whose ideas are so heavily influenced that you aren’t able to discern the facts from fiction; You, who fancy that by voicing your opinions in-line with the most favoured, you have gained a right to speak over the matter; You, who taunt the ones who don’t take part in your r

Ghosted?

“Ghosting — end a personal relationship with (someone) suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” Hah!! Go figure! There’s an actual definition for what we face more often than we think. I had heard the word “Ghosted” in casual conversations before, but I never thought of it in a serious context. I was intrigued. So I did some research. And found more to it. In summary, it’s known to have serious psychological effects. A bunch of studies out there if you want to read up. Having been “ghosted” quite a number of times until fairly recently, I now see how what I felt could be a pretty serious emotional phase for a lot of people. Like the researchers stated - The worst aspect of ghosting is that it not only makes people question the quality of the relationship but it will most likely make them question themselves. If you ghost someone who has low self-esteem, they will probably take the blame on themselves and receive yet another blow to their self-confide