When Silence Speaks...

After ages of procrastination, I finally decided to try formal art classes. I had always feared that rules would take the fun out of my art. Art is where I go to unwind and let my mind wander, and the idea of placing boundaries in that safe space never sat well with me. But this year, I signed up for weekend spring classes; telling myself to keep an open mind and take in only what resonated. I was intimidated - I didn't know if this would draw me deeper into art or push me away. To my surprise, it was overwhelming, but in the best possible way.  The reason for this post is however not to cover my art journey ( I have just started so I will give it some time to settle in ); but instead to capture my thoughts upon observing a profession in real life that I have only watched on screen -  Live nude models. And the quiet power of their bare form.  I spent an entire day observing nude male and female body for figure drawing, and it blew my mind in ways I had not expected. ...

 There's this excerpt from a book (The Listeners by Maggie Stiefvater) I read last year -  “ This is a war about collective will. What do we do with the power of the many? Are we better or worse when we all move together? Do we wield justice? Do we wield vengeance?” It had pulled me deep into thoughts and I remember reigning myself back to the book, noting to get back to it later. And that later seems to be today, with all that’s going on right now. This particular novel’s plot was based on WWII events (so you get the original context), but it made me think in terms of current times.  My mind was stuck on what " will " means in today’s world. Back in the day, up until about the early 2000s, information we processed was gained with an effort and targeted to our interests. There was no algorithm continuously feeding our brains like today (except our parents nagging. That was constant and had a standard algorithm in all households.) It was really hard to form an opinio...

I don't know why I stopped writing.  It was my respite from the usual chaos of life. I realized last week that it’s been over 2 years since I have written anything at all.  It made me wonder why the very things that help keep us grounded are the first things we cut ourselves off from when we are lost. I am lost.  Here let me admit to the universe out there. I am lost and I am writing it here in black and white; so I have no way of lying to myself anymore. You can be doing everything right, going through a perfect routine and still be lost.  Most people are too busy getting through the routine, they usually become numb to general curiosity or casual pondering, which probably is good for them. Because mind is a wild wild thing and hard to tame when set loose.  I go through this phase every now and then, it’s not new to me. It’s a weird restlessness. There’s no sadness there. Just badly wanting to do something, but not knowing exactly what. That urge to find someth...

A lot has happened this year and a lot went unaccomplished. 2025 once again reminded me of how unpredictable life is, how life happens when we are busy making other plans. Life surprises us and life shocks us.  There were many good things this year - backpacking entire Central America for a month and half, meeting new people, reconnecting with old school friends, learning Japanese and many other such memorable moments. But earlier this year while training for dragon boat race competition, I was diagnosed with a idiopathic health condition, that threw a wrench in my lifestyle. All those lab tests, scans for a person who rarely saw a doctor for years was stressful. Although it got diagnosed early because of my attention to health stats; not knowing the root cause for the illness nor being able to determine the length of the treatment plan disheartened me. At the time, I kind of understood a non-smoker’s reaction to being diagnosed with cancer; that reaction of “But I never smoked onc...

This year has been interesting. Strange and interesting. Yu's "Go where the wind is" song best describes my mood for 2024. It went by fast yet it felt like an eternity. It was exhausting at times for reasons I don't know.  I can't describe it in words.  Of course, 2024 had its moments. A new country, a new language, a new fitness goal and many memorable experiences. Some good ones and others unwanted.  It's just the general mood of 2024. It's been kind of heavy on my mind, my heart. Not on the negative side, nothing sad or painful. Just ... Anyway, want to just record this monologue somewhere before this year ends, so here goes nothing. Jeff Satur's Dum Dum, Lake of Bays Forest Floor, Machu Picchu shots, Dominos Pizza, Rainy night, The Demon Slayer comic strip, Some scribbles, Random notes, Uke plucking,  Wang Yibo's smile, The Double C drama and the Fireworks outside. Just some of the last moments of 2024.  Thank you 2024, you have been good to me...

Last week a customer service lady at self-checkout area of Loblaws walked up to me and asked if I was at the store the previous day. I indeed was.  I was surprised she remembered me, and was also confused as to why would it matter if I showed up on consecutive days. You know how at times your brain goes a million miles per sec and causes you to question all your life choices? I was running all the reasons in my head as to why someone would care about my grocery schedule. So, it was in that slightly confused state I replied, albeit politely “ Yes, I was here yesterday. The huge watermelon I bought did not allow me to complete my entire grocery checklist as I had reached my single trip haul limit, so I am here again to buy rest of my items ”. Meanwhile, my inner voice was shouting “ Why are you justifying your grocery trip to this random lady? Like who cares? ” Me being me, where my face clear as water always shows what I feel inside; she must have seen that confusion clearly danci...

Been a while.   Not because my life stopped being interesting. But because I stopped listening. Somewhere between me running my life and life running me around, I lost track of stillness.  There’s this weird sense of not belonging to a place or time. I know with every passing second, a part of me is getting lost to the past; like this dandelion, loosing a part of itself to the wind. (Clicked this pic during my walk earlier this week). It’s not about growing old or fighting the battle against time. It’s just…I know I always advocate the sense of contentment. But being content also makes you lose sight of future. I am always present, always immersed in what’s at hand which works really well; until I stop and lift my head to look around, and all of a sudden I feel like a lost kid in a crowded fair.  There’s this sense of uneasiness, like everyone’s headed somewhere and I am just aimlessly floating away. It’s kind of what people call existential crisis, which generally is tri...