When Silence Speaks...

How much of missing someone is too much? Being by myself for few years now, I know the perks of independence. But I also know the value of those worried parental background duet - the one that we usually label as nagging. It’s been 8 years since my dad passed away, but the strangest thing is, it feels like just yesterday. In my head, it feels like in recent past, like maybe last year. It’s only on his anniversary do I actually count the years, and every single time I am caught by surprise.  I am not sad that he left us, I know that’s the way of life.  I don’t mourn the suddenness of his departure in an accident, sometimes I think he was lucky to have escaped all the ailments of old age.  I do however feel a knot in my chest, thinking of how many more beautiful moments we could have had together, of all the missed conversations, of all the philosophical debates, of all those ‘am proud of you’ and ‘I love you’, of that peaceful smile which is now just a memory. I know explaining things t

I get asked a lot about my experience of staying alone. I stay alone, and hardly attend any social events apart from visiting couple of friends, once in 2-3 months. I reserve all my social energy for when am back home, where I throw myself into meeting all the loved ones I grew up with. And that happens once a year (due to Covid, it's over due by 2 years now). Anyway, my standard answer is although it comes naturally to me, to enjoy my solitude (the very definition is to be alone without feeling lonely) , I have learnt that it's not otherwise easy. And it isn't really something that everyone's personality blends into. My natural state of restlessness, forces me to indulge in numerous activities, keeping myself engaged, intrigued and entertained. And with time, it's become next to impossible to allow someone new to enter my personal space - whether as a roommate or a partner. That doesn't mean I am an introvert. If you meet me in a social gathering, you can easil

Every now and then I hear the word “privileged” thrown around as an accusation; in various context; where it does not belong.  Being used so carelessly, that it no longer means what it was originally coined for in the dictionary. Makes me wonder what does being privileged mean to these conversationalists? Is it being financially secure?  Or being surrounded with a loving family? Or being unaffected by the political or societal adversities? Or being able to earn a livelihood? Or (the most popular these days) belonging to a particular race, colour, gender, religion, caste, class, nationality etc..etc..? Or even for simply being able to breathe?  Because these are exactly the subjects where people vividly paint the picture of the privileged. Just look around you. Billions of people, billions of dreams, billions of opportunities, billions of survivalists.  Either every one of them is privileged or no one is. You have to understand, privilege is not the same as (can’t find the right word, l

Well, a disclaimer If my amma or sis reads this, they are going to tear me off the face of the globe right this second and pin me to the wall of our home back in my hometown. You will see why. But nevertheless, I had to share this for there are few things I can hardly contain, and this is one such incident. I have been rucking for over two months now, a 25lbs weight, pace of about 16 mins/mi, about 8 miles every day. Now with summer, some evenings are very pleasant. So I have gotten into the habit of carrying a flask of hot tea in my backpack and books. I have found couple of quiet spots in a park, and I sit there listening to classical music; oh yeah, I have for last 3 months now, gotten into listening to our old classics, Bach, Vivaldi, Listz, Mozart etc... Anyway, now that you have a snapshot of my routine, here’s what happened today. So it was a pleasant 19degC this evening, so I chose a late evening walk. Reached the park, picked my spot and sat on a stone, settling myself in, aro

Who are you to pass a judgement on the conflicts you have no true insight to? You, who carry a justification up your sleeve for every action of your life; You, who pretend to understand the pain of the sufferers having yourself never been touched by such adversity; You, who act like the one who has never faulted; You, who are so keen to sympathize the present without even attempting to understand the past that lead to this; You, who oh so confidently determine who the criminal is without ever knowing the true nature of the crime; You, who think it’s an unpardonable offence to not take a stand on every ill proceedings of this world and feel obligated to form rushed opinions; You, who think of yourself an idealist but whose ideas are so heavily influenced that you aren’t able to discern the facts from fiction; You, who fancy that by voicing your opinions in-line with the most favoured, you have gained a right to speak over the matter; You, who taunt the ones who don’t take part in your r

  “Ghosting  — end a personal relationship with (someone) suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” Hah!! Go figure! There’s an actual definition for what we face more often than we think.  I had heard the word “Ghosted” in casual conversations before, but I never thought of it in a serious context. I was intrigued. So I did some research. And found more to it. In summary, it’s known to have serious psychological effects. A bunch of studies out there if you want to read up. Having been “ghosted” quite a number of times until fairly recently, I now see how what I felt could be a pretty serious emotional phase for a lot of people.  Like the researchers stated - The worst aspect of  ghosting  is that it not only makes people question the quality of the relationship but it will most likely make them question themselves. If you ghost someone who has low self-esteem, they will probably take the blame on themselves and receive yet another blow to their self-confide

अम्मा , आज   सोचा   की   लिख   ही   डालूँ एक   छोटी   सी   अर्ज़ी   तेरे   नाम . तुझसे   अक्सर   कहती   हूँ   ना   मैं कि   ना   कर   इतनी   फ़िक्र   मेरी तेरे   अनगिनत   सवालों   से   छिड़ती   भी   हूँ   पर   मन   ही   मन   मैं   घबराती   हूँ अगर   तूने   मेरी   चिंता   सच   में   छोड़   दिया तो   मेरा   क्या   होगा ? ना   कोई   ऐसा   रिश्ता   बना   आज   तक जो   तेरी   जगह   ले   पाया और   ना   ही   कोई   ऐसा   आगे   भी   होगा तेरी   आदत   सी   हो   गयी   है ,  अम्मा   तो ,  मेरे   लाख   मना   करने   पे   भी तू   मुझे   लाड़   करना   मत   छोड़ना   फिर   चाहे   में   हज़ार   दफ़ा   बोलूँ   की   “ अब   मैं   बच्ची   नहीं   रही .  बड़ी   हो   गयी   हूँ .  अपना   ख़याल   रख   सकती   हूँ .” फिर   भी   तुम   रोज़   पूछना   खाना   खाया ?  बालों   में   तेल   क्यूँ   नहीं   लगाया ? क्यूँ   जाती   हो   हाइक   वाइक   पे ?  कम   से   कम   छुट्टियों   में   तो   आराम   कर ! ये   क्या   रूखा   सूखा   खाती   हो ,  कुछ   ढंग   का   खाना   खाओ . खाँस   क्यूँ   रही   हो ?  कोई   काढ़ा   बनाने   वाला