Solitude Meets Homesickness

I get asked a lot about my experience of staying alone. I stay alone, and hardly attend any social events apart from visiting couple of friends, once in 2-3 months. I reserve all my social energy for when am back home, where I throw myself into meeting all the loved ones I grew up with. And that happens once a year (due to Covid, it's over due by 2 years now).

Anyway, my standard answer is although it comes naturally to me, to enjoy my solitude (the very definition is to be alone without feeling lonely), I have learnt that it's not otherwise easy. And it isn't really something that everyone's personality blends into.

My natural state of restlessness, forces me to indulge in numerous activities, keeping myself engaged, intrigued and entertained. And with time, it's become next to impossible to allow someone new to enter my personal space - whether as a roommate or a partner. That doesn't mean I am an introvert. If you meet me in a social gathering, you can easily pick me out from the group - as the most talkative person and easy to mingle with. People warm up to me quickly, I think I have that kind of easy going personality. But only the ones close to me know how impossible I can get at times.

And although I love my dearest family and friends, I don't usually yearn for them. As in, I hardly feel homesick when am away. Whenever I miss them, I call them and that settles the feeling. So, there's no lingering pain of not having them around. Almost a year and half of lockdown life, and I haven't had a single day where I felt too sad or emotional for being alone.

But this weekend I think I felt a pang of homesickness. Kind of feels good to know, that I am still a normal human being.

I got my second dose of the Covid vaccine on this weekend, and although the first one did not have any side effects, this one did knock me off. By evening I was down with fever, and by next day I was in quite a pathetic state. The body aches, the head ache, the burning eyes and just the overall crappy feeling. Knowing that I couldn't do any regular physical activities, I tried to do some sketching and reading; but it was harsh.

You see, active folks like me are worst patients. I, who hardly watch anything, was forcing myself to watch any damn series on Netflix, just to get through the rest of the day. But my feverish state wasn't helpful. Thankfully, I have the habit of freezing smaller batches of food, that came to my rescue; so atleast I did not have to toil in the kitchen.

15 hours is a lot of time when you are forced to do nothing but stick to your bed. By evening, I was sad. And all I wanted to do was talk to my mom. I just wanted to crumble in her arms and let her tend to me. (Well, let me clarify, my pain threshold is quite high and I am not the one to let sickness get to me. I had gone through the entire episode of ruptured appendicitis with hardly any emotional distress.)

I am not really sure why I was so rattled. And knowing myself, I knew it wasn't a phase that would stay long. I mean, if I did not get to talk to my mom at that moment, in a couple of hours my mind would have moved on without even knowing it was painfully missing my mom. But, at that moment, I realized what most of my friends mean when they speak of feeling homesick. It was kind of liberating to have that experience. The last I felt an emotional distress was when I heard the news of my dad's accident almost 8 years back. This isn't even remotely close to it, but nevertheless it's the one that wanted me to be close to my mom and sister.

When I spoke to my mom, I just let myself free, and for some reason there were tears in my eyes. Normally, I hate to worry her. She is always stressed out about me, so I don't give her any new reasons to add to that list. But yesterday, I just wanted her to know, at that moment the only place I wanted to be was home, lying on her lap with her hand caressing my head. Talking to her put me at ease immediately.

I believe, that's called being homesick. And now that I know the feeling, here's my note to those few who for various reasons think, being alone is the answer to their problems - think twice. If you are someone who feel homesick despite of being surrounded with friends and roommates, being alone is not for you.

I have mentioned this before in my other posts; to be alone and content, you really have to embrace your company. There should be hardly any space for negativity. There are no external distractions when you are alone. And it's really easy to get trapped in the whirlpool of thoughts and get messed up. When you are alone, what you feel is amplified by multiple folds. If you are in a good mood, everything is upbeat; but if you are in a sad or sour state, there's really no one to cheer you up, to divert your thoughts. Your personality should be the one that attracts positive energy no matter what state or mood you are in. You should be in control of guiding your thoughts, decisions, mood and life. And despite of flying solo, you will still need to have a strong support system to lean on during emergencies. If you cannot enjoy solitude, being alone can really get very lonely and taxing.

In past few years, a lot of folks have commented casually that I have it easy - I don't go to correct them. But for a handful of them who mention that they are inspired by me and are thinking of taking this route of life, of choosing to be single; I go beyond my boundaries to talk them out of it. I insist for them to be cautious; making me sound like a hypocrite. But I would hate for someone to get hurt on my account. Truth is, what works for me might not really be what your life needs. And although I am at ease with my solitude, I know for a fact that it's not as easy as I let on.

My idea of life and relationship has evolved over the years. Somehow, thoughts of my loved ones does not stab me with the pain of missing them; instead I find comfort in their memories. Which plays a huge role in me being content in my current state of 'Single'. Far as finding a partner, whenever that happens, it will be only for love and nothing less. For most of you, being surrounded with loved ones is the way of life. And that's something I appreciate. For me though, being by myself has been very liberating. I have not only come to enjoy it, but also love it for more than what it's worth.

Well. I think it's more of my pent up energy flowing out in this blog. But it's also a reminder that life isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.

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