Solitude Meets Homesickness

I get asked a lot about my experience of staying alone. I stay alone, and hardly attend any social events apart from visiting couple of friends, once in 2-3 months. I reserve all my social energy for when am back home, where I throw myself into meeting all the loved ones I grew up with. And that happens once a year (due to Covid, it's over due by 2 years now).

Anyway, my standard answer is although it comes naturally to me, to enjoy my solitude (the very definition is to be alone without feeling lonely), I have learnt that it's not otherwise easy. And it isn't really something that everyone's personality blends into.

My natural state of restlessness, forces me to indulge in numerous activities, keeping myself engaged, intrigued and entertained. And with time, it's become next to impossible to allow someone new to enter my personal space - whether as a roommate or a partner. That doesn't mean I am an introvert. If you meet me in a social gathering, you can easily pick me out from the group - as the most talkative person and easy to mingle with. People warm up to me quickly, I think I have that kind of easy going personality. But only the ones close to me know how impossible I can get at times.

And although I love my dearest family and friends, I don't usually yearn for them. As in, I hardly feel homesick when am away. Whenever I miss them, I call them and that settles the feeling. So, there's no lingering pain of not having them around. Almost a year and half of lockdown life, and I haven't had a single day where I felt too sad or emotional for being alone.

But this weekend I think I felt a pang of homesickness. Kind of feels good to know, that I am still a normal human being.

I got my second dose of the Covid vaccine on this weekend, and although the first one did not have any side effects, this one did knock me off. By evening I was down with fever, and by next day I was in quite a pathetic state. The body aches, the head ache, the burning eyes and just the overall crappy feeling. Knowing that I couldn't do any regular physical activities, I tried to do some sketching and reading; but it was harsh.

You see, active folks like me are worst patients. I, who hardly watch anything, was forcing myself to watch any damn series on Netflix, just to get through the rest of the day. But my feverish state wasn't helpful. Thankfully, I have the habit of freezing smaller batches of food, that came to my rescue; so atleast I did not have to toil in the kitchen.

15 hours is a lot of time when you are forced to do nothing but stick to your bed. By evening, I was sad. And all I wanted to do was talk to my mom. I just wanted to crumble in her arms and let her tend to me. (Well, let me clarify, my pain threshold is quite high and I am not the one to let sickness get to me. I had gone through the entire episode of ruptured appendicitis with hardly any emotional distress.)

I am not really sure why I was so rattled. And knowing myself, I knew it wasn't a phase that would stay long. I mean, if I did not get to talk to my mom at that moment, in a couple of hours my mind would have moved on without even knowing it was painfully missing my mom. But, at that moment, I realized what most of my friends mean when they speak of feeling homesick. It was kind of liberating to have that experience. The last I felt an emotional distress was when I heard the news of my dad's accident almost 8 years back. This isn't even remotely close to it, but nevertheless it's the one that wanted me to be close to my mom and sister.

When I spoke to my mom, I just let myself free, and for some reason there were tears in my eyes. Normally, I hate to worry her. She is always stressed out about me, so I don't give her any new reasons to add to that list. But yesterday, I just wanted her to know, at that moment the only place I wanted to be was home, lying on her lap with her hand caressing my head. Talking to her put me at ease immediately.

I believe, that's called being homesick. And now that I know the feeling, here's my note to those few who for various reasons think, being alone is the answer to their problems - think twice. If you are someone who feel homesick despite of being surrounded with friends and roommates, being alone is not for you.

I have mentioned this before in my other posts; to be alone and content, you really have to embrace your company. There should be hardly any space for negativity. There are no external distractions when you are alone. And it's really easy to get trapped in the whirlpool of thoughts and get messed up. When you are alone, what you feel is amplified by multiple folds. If you are in a good mood, everything is upbeat; but if you are in a sad or sour state, there's really no one to cheer you up, to divert your thoughts. Your personality should be the one that attracts positive energy no matter what state or mood you are in. You should be in control of guiding your thoughts, decisions, mood and life. And despite of flying solo, you will still need to have a strong support system to lean on during emergencies. If you cannot enjoy solitude, being alone can really get very lonely and taxing.

In past few years, a lot of folks have commented casually that I have it easy - I don't go to correct them. But for a handful of them who mention that they are inspired by me and are thinking of taking this route of life, of choosing to be single; I go beyond my boundaries to talk them out of it. I insist for them to be cautious; making me sound like a hypocrite. But I would hate for someone to get hurt on my account. Truth is, what works for me might not really be what your life needs. And although I am at ease with my solitude, I know for a fact that it's not as easy as I let on.

My idea of life and relationship has evolved over the years. Somehow, thoughts of my loved ones does not stab me with the pain of missing them; instead I find comfort in their memories. Which plays a huge role in me being content in my current state of 'Single'. Far as finding a partner, whenever that happens, it will be only for love and nothing less. For most of you, being surrounded with loved ones is the way of life. And that's something I appreciate. For me though, being by myself has been very liberating. I have not only come to enjoy it, but also love it for more than what it's worth.

Well. I think it's more of my pent up energy flowing out in this blog. But it's also a reminder that life isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.

Comments

Ahamasmi Yodha - My First Tattoo

I finally did it. It isn’t a great achievement to show off, but for me it’s one more item on my bucket list getting fulfilled. So I am very happy about it. What did I do? Oh like I said nothing great – I just got my FIRST Tattoo :) My first Tattoo Artist I had done a lot of research on it since last couple of months. I wanted to get it done on my birthday, but it somehow dint work out. For all the first timers, I wanted to list out my personal experience, just in case it helps :) First of all, I felt it will be very helpful if you have some friends who would have got it done already. But I dint have that privilege. So I went through lot of blogs and articles in About.com, Wikihow, YahooAnswers etc… Well Google, the new lord of knowledge :) has all that you need to know. So, in summary, what I got from all these sites were First decide on what you want to get tattooed and where. Go over it again and again, since it is permanent, you will have to live ...

Life... A Blank Page!

Whenever I open a notebook and come across the set of blank pages; my mind goes blank. For some reason, it always reminds me of my life. It forces me to start thinking about my life; about the past and the future. Being part of the age of computers and belonging to the IT industry, I hardly get an opportunity to actually pick a pen and write in the notebook. I write lot of blogs, poems etc… but I write them on the webpage or in Microsoft word in my laptop. Once in a while I like to go back to traditional form of writing; using the actual pen and paper. And in last few years; I noticed that every time I try doing that for some reason the blank paper gets me all philosophical. Although I never have that thought while opening the book; but whenever I see those blank pages; I just go blank. I always feel that my life is staring back at me with all those unanswered silenced questions, doubts, thoughts…forcing me to think – What does my lif...

Zindagi Gulzar Hai - A feast to ones eyes!

Today I am here to make a much interesting comparison of our current Indian TV industry with our neighboring country’s television industry. Interesting because I never thought I would ever engage in watching any of the Pakistan TV series/movies or listening to their music. My disinterest in Pakistan entertainment was not because of the tensed relationship with the country. But I myself am not a big fan of TV serials. The kind of drama that is filled in Indian TV Channels today is just exhausting and tiring to watch. I hardly follow any Indian TV series. When I visit home on vacation, I join my family in watching the program they watch and that’s how I keep myself updated with what is trending in the TV industry. I love listening to music and I listen to all genres of music. I did start listening to Pakistani music since last few years and have admired their music. Strings, Fuzon, Kaavish, Jal, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, Ghulam Ali, Parveen Abida, Quratulain Baloch and many ...

Uncovered, Not Exposed

After ages of procrastination, I finally decided to try formal art classes. I had always feared that rules would take the fun out of my art. Art is where I go to unwind and let my mind wander, and the idea of placing boundaries in that safe space never sat well with me. But this year, I signed up for weekend spring classes; telling myself to keep an open mind and take in only what resonated. I was intimidated - I didn't know if this would draw me deeper into art or push me away. To my surprise, it was overwhelming, but in the best possible way. The reason for this post is however not to cover my art journey ( I have just started so I will give it some time to settle in ); but instead to capture my thoughts upon observing a profession in real life that I have only watched on screen - Live nude models. And the quiet power of their bare form. I spent an entire day observing nude male and female body for figure drawing, and it blew my mind in ways I had not expected. ...

Alone & Happy, not Lonely!

There's a difference between the two states of being; being alone & being lonely. I am single and have been alone in new places all by myself; with little or no acquaintances; let alone friends. When you are single, it's a common norm for rest of the world to investigate about your companionship needs. Single people are often surrounded with friends and family that give them company. In my case, I have got used to staying alone as well. And trust me I do just fine. I do miss them but I don't get depressed or frustrated when I don't find the company of my friends or family. So I am single and alone and happy. That said, it's not that I don't have friends or I am not social. I am very social, enjoy parties, hangout with friends when I meet them; I am not an introvert, am more of a happy go lucky kinda person. When I say I am alone, I am in company of myself. And I have realized that I enjoy my company a lot, so I never feel lonely. ...

You don’t know me

You don’t know me. And what you know of me is not even half of who I am. It’s not that I am too private. I say what I feel, and although I am on open book, I am just not too easily readable. But tell me, why would you want to know me? Or rather know EVERYTHING about me? We as humans obsess about knowing everything about each other, especially about the ones we love. We want to believe that we KNOW what they think, what they like, who they are etc.. I think it comes to us naturally. But, we don’t. No matter how close we are, there’s a part of us that’s always too private. That cannot be shared. Sometimes we ourselves don’t know who we are. I believe, you should just be happy with the part they share with you, and who they are when they are around you. And remember, who they are when they are with you depends on who you are around them. There’s always a disclaimer- they are a different person when they are with someone else. And they are a different person when t...

तेरा सफ़र , तेरी मंज़िल..

जिस राह पे तू चलता है राही, कभी उसकी मंज़िल को पेहचाना है तूने जहाँ तक तेरी नज़र जाती है, बस वहीँ तक का सफ़र नहीं है तेरा वो जो अनदेखा छिपा है उस मोड़ की आड़ में, उसकी भनक भी नहीं तुझे फिर कैसे तू केहता है " मैं जानता हूँ कहाँ मेरी मंज़िल है" कभी सिर्फ धूप में चला तो कभी शीतल छाओं में कभी दोस्तों के संग मस्ती में तो कभी अकेले अपनी तन्हाई में कभी मेहबूबा की मुहोब्बत में डूबा तो कभी अपने गमों के सागर में पर चाह के भी रुक़ न सका तू, चाह के भी मुड़ न सका तू जिसे तूने मंज़िल समझा वो तो बस एक पड़ाव निकला लाख कोशिश की तूने पर उस पड़ाव पर डेरा ना डाल सका वो सब जो तुझे प्यारे थे पीछे छूट गए , चाह के भी तू उनकी राह पे चल ना सका नए लोगों से नए रिश्तों से बंधता टूटता चला, अपने आपको डून्ड़ता चला तू मुसाफिर है तो ये क्यूँ नहीं मानता की जो राह में तुझे मिले उनका कोई भरोसा नहीं जिस राह पे जिस मौसम में तू चल रहा है वो भी बदल जायेंगे जब तू अपनी मंज़िल पे पहुंचेगा तो पता नहीं किसे संग पायेगा. ...

Compliment Someone, Because, Why Not?

Last week a customer service lady at self-checkout area of Loblaws walked up to me and asked if I was at the store the previous day. I indeed was. I was surprised she remembered me, and was also confused as to why would it matter if I showed up on consecutive days. You know how at times your brain goes a million miles per sec and causes you to question all your life choices? I was running all the reasons in my head as to why someone would care about my grocery schedule. So, it was in that slightly confused state I replied, albeit politely “ Yes, I was here yesterday. The huge watermelon I bought did not allow me to complete my entire grocery checklist as I had reached my single trip haul limit, so I am here again to buy rest of my items ”. Meanwhile, my inner voice was shouting “ Why are you justifying your grocery trip to this random lady? Like who cares? ” Me being me, where my face clear as water always shows what I feel inside; she must have seen that confusion clearly danci...

Radha-Krishan jaisi jodi hai!! But Why?

I was with couple of my friends on a trip earlier this month, when we landed on the topic of Radha while listening to the song “ Radha on the dance floor, Radha wants to party …” from the movie Student of the Year . My friend suddenly told “ Isn’t our culture a little strange? Although Radha and Krishna were never married, every time people see a good couple they say “ RadhaKrishan jaisi Jodi hai! ”(ie. Couple like Radha-Krishna). ” For those who aren’t familiar with Hindu mythology; Radha & Krishna appear in the Dvapara Yuga which is the 3 rd out of four yugas (4 th one being Kali Yuga, the current one that we all are part of). Radha is considered an incarnation of Goddess Lakshmi and Krishna is the Eighth incarnation of Lord Vishnu. Radha and Krishna are most popularly known and worshipped as RadhaKrishna – in one form. Radha is Krishna’s supreme beloved and his childhood friend. Acrylic Painting of Krishna with his Flute - By Me. The Lord and His consort are refe...

When Silence Speaks...

Search This Blog