When Silence Speaks...

A Decade. 10 Years. 120 Months. 3653 Days.  I wanted say who’s counting. But looks like even if I wasn’t, life was. That’s how long it has been. I don’t want to count the hours, minutes or seconds. Because to me, it feels like just this morning. Maybe to my sister it feels like a few hours ago. And to my mom it might feel like just a second ago. I cannot speak for them, I don’t want to.  But yeah. It’s been that long since we last heard your voice. Since we last saw your smiling face. Since I last had you respond to my calling “Papa”.  For anyone who is going through a loss and asking themselves “Will it hurt less as time flies?”, My answer, 10 years later, are my wet eyes and running nose. Is it weird that I am in tears as I type this 10 years later; while I was able to hold them back 10 years ago on this day? (I still don’t know how I did it, maybe because you once had asked me to) Maybe. Maybe not. I am in no mood to psychoanalyze myself.  “Time heals....

 “Guilt walks on all fours.  It creeps, encircles, and climbs. It presses its thumbs to your throat. And it waits.” That’s the heartbreaking beauty Sepetys brings to her historical novels; and also why she is one of my favourite authors. Her writing is a work of art that rips apart your mind, body and soul, and then puts them back together; leaving you whole again with a knowing that something in you has shifted permanently. This book made me wonder, how many such Stalins, Hitlers, Ceaușescus, Mussolinis, Francos has the world birthed to date? How many such stories are still hidden behind an iron curtain even today? I cannot believe that something like this existed in the same world I live and breathe in. I did not know about Ceaușescu before this book. I deliberately stopped myself from googling about 1989 Romanian Revolution, or searching for pictures of Nicolae Ceaușescu and his wife Elena while reading this novel. But in the end, when I saw their smiling faces p...

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but somehow words fail me. I started writing, and stopped at the first two sentences, erasing and rephrasing, re-iterating the process every time I attempted to write this.  8 months later, today on Father’s day, I think I finally am able to put words into meaningful sentences.  It’s weird how most of the times, I just need an inspiration, an idea or a feeling to write pages together without any effort; and then there are times, when my mind is cluttered with so many thoughts ,eager to be put on paper that I find it hard to form a single straight sentence. But I feel like writing today, so here it goes. My best friend lost her mom to a health incident few months back. When I spoke to her she asked me how did I handle it when my dad passed away few years back. I could not explain it to her then, I just said you will learn to live through it. That was when I first tried to write this blog. Even after so many years, ...

How much of missing someone is too much? Being by myself for few years now, I know the perks of independence. But I also know the value of those worried parental background duet - the one that we usually label as nagging. It’s been 8 years since my dad passed away, but the strangest thing is, it feels like just yesterday. In my head, it feels like in recent past, like maybe last year. It’s only on his anniversary do I actually count the years, and every single time I am caught by surprise.  I am not sad that he left us, I know that’s the way of life.  I don’t mourn the suddenness of his departure in an accident, sometimes I think he was lucky to have escaped all the ailments of old age.  I do however feel a knot in my chest, thinking of how many more beautiful moments we could have had together, of all the missed conversations, of all the philosophical debates, of all those ‘am proud of you’ and ‘I love you’, of that peaceful smile which is now just a memory. I know expla...

I get asked a lot about my experience of staying alone. I stay alone, and hardly attend any social events apart from visiting couple of friends, once in 2-3 months. I reserve all my social energy for when am back home, where I throw myself into meeting all the loved ones I grew up with. And that happens once a year (due to Covid, it's over due by 2 years now). Anyway, my standard answer is although it comes naturally to me, to enjoy my solitude (the very definition is to be alone without feeling lonely) , I have learnt that it's not otherwise easy. And it isn't really something that everyone's personality blends into. My natural state of restlessness, forces me to indulge in numerous activities, keeping myself engaged, intrigued and entertained. And with time, it's become next to impossible to allow someone new to enter my personal space - whether as a roommate or a partner. That doesn't mean I am an introvert. If you meet me in a social gathering, you can easil...

"I love youuuu!!" I screamed over the FaceTime call. "I love you toooo!!" came an echo, in an equally excited voice.  "I love you more Amma" I said laughing at her exaggerated reply. "I love you beta" she said giving a dramatic smile.  My mom and I speak in Kannada, but there are times like this when we get all dramatic with english dialogues. And then she goes on to say in Kannada "Yeah, yeah, this is what we will do is it? We will keep telling one another I love you for rest of our lives? You will not find anyone else for yourself to say this??"  I give her a flying kiss saying "Oh, I don't need anyone else when I have you." But then I get naughty and ask her "Have you ever told Papa "I love you"?" When she does not answer, I ask again, "Tell na Amma" She has that cute blushing smile when she says "Yes, I have told him, many a times" "No, not in Kannada. I am asking, have you ...

Have you ever been happy for no reason? What an amazing day. I mean, I am usually in a good mood, but today was an exception. I was ecstatic and for absolutely no reason at all. It was what I call being shamelessly happy. I thought it was the usual phase of few mins or an hour, it will pass. But I have been hopelessly happy this whole day. I am up since 8 AM and I have not stopped smiling since. I went for a walk this evening, about 7 miles and I have been hopping, swaying and dancing all the way, bobbing my head side to side, grinning at times. I got a few stares, but who cares! I did try to stay serious and composed for first 5 mins of my walk but I couldn't, so I gave up. During the walk I kept thinking why? Why was I so happy after all? The whole day? But then I thought why should I think so much? One must search reasons for sadness, not for happiness. I just said to myself, screw it, you are happy and that's all that matters, enjoy it.  ...

I am not a relationship guru. Never was.  And have never understood what it really means either. I believe, no one is an expert when it comes to emotions. Having said that, I also believe in a simple logic, something that applies to all aspects of life, especially relationships -  Communication . It's strange. All the tools and techniques that are forced upon us as kids, is to enable us to communicate. Alphabets, words, languages, speaking, writing, reading, listening, analyzing  - all the skills that we spend a good part of our initial 20 years, focus on our communicative abilities.  And what do we do with it?  For the rest of our lives, we shy away from using those skills in the situations when it's most needed. What's also strange, is compared to olden days, today we have more platforms that enable different mode of communication. You don't want to meet in person, you have FaceTime or video calls. You don't want to see or listen, you can leave voicemails. Or ...

I thought I knew love. I thought I had seen and felt true love. In the warmth of my Papa's hug. In the comfort of my Amma's lap. In the tears of my Sister's good-byes. In the happiness of my Love's smiles. Until YOU kissed me. I don't think anyone's ever kissed me so sincerely. You, who didn't even know me too well then, somehow felt like kissing me so lovingly. I am glad that I clicked this picture.  With time, you will grow up and you will lose this sense of true selfless love. Until some innocent heart will remind you of it, just like you reminded me. This is a memory I will keep to eternity.  In times of distress, this will remind me of how I felt. Kids under the age of 3, are so innocent. They live in the moment and it's hard for us to get a smile or kiss or hug from them forcefully. They do what they want. And so did you, that day.  I was heading back to Canada and was trying to grab a selfie with you when you turned t...

I heard a small crack. Something had snapped. I felt a piercing pain. I fell. Picked up by the mild breeze, I flew. Detached from the tree that I had known all my life, I floated. It happened so fast that I dint know how to feel. I felt anxious for being out there in the unknown alone. But I also felt free and exhilarated to see the world beyond my imagination. Was this end of my life? Or a beginning of something I never knew existed? Is this what heaven feels like?  I had glistened with dew in the cold mornings, rustled in mild summer evenings and drenched in the stormy nights, all my life. I had clinged to my branch, and the tree had held me tight. I was happy. But if that was happiness, then what was this feeling? I flew past the waterfall, the mild rumbling of which I had heard all my life, not knowing where it was coming from. The woods, the trees, those flowers, the azure sky, the river.....in just these few seconds I have seen so much. I loved it. I land on a wooden bench, s...

I can see him walking through the gate, carrying a smile like he cares for nothing in this world. Those brown eyes that can see through anyone’s soul. The light breeze playing with his silky hair leaving a few strands hanging on his forehead. His tall structure gliding flawlessly towards me. The evening is perfect, with right amount of golden rays brightening his face. The scarlet sky giving perfect backdrop. Everything seemed right, just right for the first time in my life. I can hear everything around me go silent while only my heart beats echoed in my ears.  When they talk about racing heart, they are not making it up. I could feel the lightness in me, like I was floating with butterflies in my stomach. All these fancy stuffs people talk about in novels and movies, they all seemed real.  That time of uncertainty where only you know you are in love and can feel or hope that the other person is also in love with you; but neither of you have confessed your feelin...

“Was it worth it?” she asked taking her headphones off, as she saw him flip the newspaper page.  “Hmm. Depends on what price tag you put on it.” he said straightening his reading glasses  without looking up . "Well, you know what I mean." she said slightly irritated. "It's all perspective pumpkin, it's all perspective.” He said continuing to read the economics section of the paper. “Meaning?” she asked still keeping her gaze fixed at him. He took a deep breath looking at her and said "Never look at these things in pieces sweetheart. Take ten steps back and look at the broader picture - a little bit of past, the whole of present and a lot of future. Then you will truly be able to say if you paid for something or if you invested in something." winking at her he continued in a taunting tone "You know what I mean" "Hmm. You won't give away that easily right." She said shaking her head and said "Anyway, ...