Love, Loss and Father's Day

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but somehow words fail me. I started writing, and stopped at the first two sentences, erasing and rephrasing, re-iterating the process every time I attempted to write this. 

8 months later, today on Father’s day, I think I finally am able to put words into meaningful sentences. 

It’s weird how most of the times, I just need an inspiration, an idea or a feeling to write pages together without any effort; and then there are times, when my mind is cluttered with so many thoughts ,eager to be put on paper that I find it hard to form a single straight sentence. But I feel like writing today, so here it goes.

My best friend lost her mom to a health incident few months back. When I spoke to her she asked me how did I handle it when my dad passed away few years back. I could not explain it to her then, I just said you will learn to live through it. That was when I first tried to write this blog.

Even after so many years, I don’t know how to tell someone how I felt back then, how we handled it. Loss of someone you love irrespective of the manner of death is painful. Whether you know death is coming or whether it’s an accident. Death is always around the corner, it’s us, who love to live like we are far from its reach. The circumstances of their death, the surroundings you were in when you learnt about their death, the nature of your response, what you could and could not do, everything sums up to an experience that’s unique to you. Guess, I am digressing. 

When I checked on her few weeks later, she said it does not get any easier and asked again how did I endure it. This time I was prompted to ask my amma and sister as to what did they go through. We usually speak about the accident, how each one of us reacted; but we never spoke about how did we feel back then, the first time when we heard the news. Our experience was so different that now when I look back it’s surprising that we even managed to pull ourselves through that phase. 

Trauma is not something we are taught to discuss comfortably. Sadness and shock are not the only two feelings associated with cases of accident or sudden death. There’s so much going on in those few minutes or hours and then so much more in the days/years following it. 

My mom was in the accident that killed my dad, was with him in the ambulance until they were separated for treatment. She did not know that he was declared dead on arrival by the hospital. She was thinking he was in ICU. Since she was injured, we kept that truth hidden from her until quite late in the day. 

My sister had to see our dad in the morgue. She is a doctor, and is used to the hospital environments. But still, seeing our dad laid down in a rack in an icy room, she said that’s what broke her that day. Her eyes fill with tears even today, when she thinks of that moment. And I couldn’t hold my tears either. 

8 years later as we speak of that moment; 2 grown ups in their 30s, one a doctor and another a business professional, sitting in a car parked in a parking lot, with tear filled eyes, throats catching on every word, both choosing to stay silent in the end; that’s how hard it is for us when we think of loss of our dad to that unfortunate event.

That doesn’t mean we don’t recount wonderful memories of him. During the best or worst days of our lives, we remember him with “if he was here”. He is part of us. The suddenness with which he left, the void that he created, that’s something we struggle to cope with in our own ways. 

My friend asked me again last month, why doesn’t it get any easier? She asked what do I do when I think of my dad? To be honest, it never gets easier. There’s no one-size-fits-all formula to deal with the loss of our loved one. And we all have to live through it to truly understand the pain of it. Yes, we can learn from others experiences, it can help us draw strength in the darkest hours, but it can never ease our pain. 

However, on days like today, when I celebrate him, my mind always switches to the memory of him with that wide bright smile of his, with those eyes bearing the look of pride and love for us, that warm hug, that tone in which he says “love you beta”; and just like that, he is right next to me like he had never left. 

It felt right to post this piece of note today. To my friend and others, who have lost their loved ones, who are dealing with the void they left, I hope it brings you some strength in knowing that we are in it together. Learn to embrace their memories and nurture your pain so it does not turn bitter with time. 

Cherish the ones by your side and remember the love of the ones in your heart.

Papa, Happy Father’s Day to you. It’s not the same without you, but it’s still a day like all others, where we see you at our side as clearly as we did more than 8 years ago.