That One Moment

I can see him walking through the gate, carrying a smile like he cares for nothing in this world. Those brown eyes that can see through anyone’s soul. The light breeze playing with his silky hair leaving a few strands hanging on his forehead. His tall structure gliding flawlessly towards me. The evening is perfect, with right amount of golden rays brightening his face. The scarlet sky giving perfect backdrop.

Everything seemed right, just right for the first time in my life. I can hear everything around me go silent while only my heart beats echoed in my ears. 

When they talk about racing heart, they are not making it up. I could feel the lightness in me, like I was floating with butterflies in my stomach. All these fancy stuffs people talk about in novels and movies, they all seemed real. 

That time of uncertainty where only you know you are in love and can feel or hope that the other person is also in love with you; but neither of you have confessed your feelings to one another - that feeling of gauging the depth of probability - of a yes and a no. That is a weird yet amazing feeling, which you are truly lucky, if you have experienced even once in your lifetime. 

Yes, heart breaks suck. But if we get to experience this moment, this exact moment, then all such pain feels worth it.  For this one moment in life, where you drown in this cocktail of emotions, you cannot trade it for anything. 

The moment when you fall in love with someone, that’s a different feeling. For some it’s love at first sight, for some it’s friendship turning to love; but as long as it’s one sided like it always is in the beginning, it’s kind of protected, it’s all you, so there’s no fear really. You fall in love and you enjoy that feeling. 

But when it comes to putting that feeling to words and expressing it to the person you love; now you are bringing in a variable to the equation. And you have no idea about what that variable is thinking; you hope for a yes, you fear the no, that battle of uncertainty- for a bystander it makes no sense, it would feel stupid. But for someone who has loved, they can understand. Even if you are absolutely sure that the other person loves you, when it comes to committing to it, you will be nervous. If you are not, then you are not in love. Maybe you were just too practical, which is alright. Most people never gather that courage to confess their love, it remains in a corner of their heart for years to come, they learn to live with that. 

I pressed the pleats of my dress with both my hands nervously and sat straight on the bench. With the background of continuous rhythm of my heart beats that seemed to be increasing their volume with every step he was taking towards me., I was thinking of all the different ways this would play out. 

If he proposed, if he said he loved me, would I say I love you too? Or should I say, I need to think about this? Or maybe something practical like how will this workout with we being in different cities? Or have you thought about the future, about our families? Most importantly, will we kiss?

And if he said nothing of that sort, if he did not propose at all, if he was just stopping by for a send-off hug, friends forever kind, then? What will I say? Smile and hug back? Will I be fine knowing that he doesn’t feel for me as I do for him? Or should I seek him out, ask 'is that it? You don’t have anything else to say? Don’t you have feelings for me? Do you love me?' 

Will I look desperate if I proposed? Will I lose his friendship? What use is his friendship if I cannot have him the way I want him?

Oh, it's like hurricane inside my head.

It’s strange, I had always dreamt of this moment, but now that it looks like it will be coming true, all my dialogues, thoughts, acts that I had prepared seemed to have wiped out of my memory. I felt like I am having a brain freeze.

Have you heard of people say when their entire life comes down to that one moment? When nothing else matters? Not the past, not the future, not the problems, nothing. All that matters is the moment that is in front of you right then and there.

I wanted to get up and run, run back to my house. I did not want him to know that I loved him so passionately. I did not want him to say anything at all. I will have him as my secret love. It will stay with me till I die. No one needs to know. They can speculate and gossip about us. Our friends can continue to pull our legs and I can continue to laugh it off. They will never know the truth and that seems like a better option. It’s better than getting this dream broken. It’s better to believe that he loves me secretly too, rather than realize that he doesn’t care for me that way. Yes, that’s a better option. I will be fine if he doesn’t love me back as long as he doesn’t break my illusion of his love for me. I could feel my heart racing out of my control, I could feel my hands and feet go cold. 

I thought to myself “No, I cannot faint now. That’s so embarrassing, of all the days, today? No, no, no, no.. stay alert, get you shit together. It won’t be that bad. Maybe he just wanted to see you before you left. Yes, that’s what this is about, just a normal chit chat. Cool down”. 

He reached the bench, standing in front of me gave an awkward smile and said “Hello ….”

Years later, I still live this moment with the same cocktail of emotions.