Ghosted?

 “Ghosting — end a personal relationship with (someone) suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Hah!! Go figure! There’s an actual definition for what we face more often than we think. 

I had heard the word “Ghosted” in casual conversations before, but I never thought of it in a serious context.

I was intrigued. So I did some research. And found more to it. In summary, it’s known to have serious psychological effects. A bunch of studies out there if you want to read up.

Having been “ghosted” quite a number of times until fairly recently, I now see how what I felt could be a pretty serious emotional phase for a lot of people. 

Like the researchers stated - The worst aspect of ghosting is that it not only makes people question the quality of the relationship but it will most likely make them question themselves. If you ghost someone who has low self-esteem, they will probably take the blame on themselves and receive yet another blow to their self-confidence.

Back in the days, I was very keen on keeping people close to me, keeping the relationship going. I had just started living away from my family, with my then friends and I treated them as precious. Don’t get me wrong, I still do, but back then, letting go wasn’t something I knew as an option. Because in families, you don’t let go, like ever. So when I had a fallout with couple of my very close friends, and they “ghosted” me, I remember going out of my way for almost a year, trying to reach out, apologizing fervently over emails, messages, texts etc..; for something I didn’t even know what/where went wrong. Now that I think back, I wonder how did I even survive it without really breaking apart. This was way back in 2006-2008.

It’s true you know. If you are ghosted, you are at a defense for an offense that you have no idea about. It’s like fighting a battle in the dark, not knowing what or who you are actually fighting. It’s so so frustrating, that it gets to you. And it’s no joke. 

We humans, are wired to constantly evaluate things; the why’s always haunt us. And having no closure in a relationship is the worst case scenario for an unanswered ‘why’.

And ghosting is a weird setup, where actually the person who is ghosting is the one with weak resolution, but it’s the one who is ghosted, is made to feel like a loser. It’s just amazing how all of this has become ‘normal’. Escaping confrontation has become a way of life, albeit an easy one. But is it really? 

Like a friend said, people tend to push things under the rug, running away from the situations, thinking they have solved the problem. As if not talking about it is the trick. But have they really solved it? Thing is, they haven’t. And this, I am saying from my own experience. 

The person who is ghosted, the ‘victim’ actually comes to terms with the situation eventually, and moves on. Some like me fairly easily, some who are more sensitive with considerable difficulties. Some make peace with it, some play the blame card; basically we makeup a satisfactory answer to our ‘Why’ and we either forgive or forget. Time does that. 

While, the one’s who are ghosting, who usually do it to avoid immediate consequences of their actions, not having to own up their act, so that they don’t shoulder any guilt for what they did - all because they cannot stomach the emotional effort needed to get through the conflict the right way. They don’t realize that it’s a temporary solution for them. It eventually catches up with them. And they will, someday reach out to you to get the closure. Because they are humans too. And at some point, they will need a closure too. 

And here's how I know that.

These friends who had ghosted me way back in 2006/2007, eventually reached out to me on Facebook chat, one in 2017, one in 2019, pretty much saying, whatever happened back then was just hard times, and for me to not have hard feelings. The funny part is, they were so far back in my memory, that when I saw their text, I didn’t know if I felt anything at all. After more than 10 years of no contact, I had no recollection of them or of what had actually happened. So seeing that text left me blank for a moment and then of course I smiled. 

You know, I have deep sympathy for them. ‘Coz I can’t imagine the courage it takes to reach out to someone they have cut off for years, face the ones whom they have ghosted, it’s a pretty huge effort. Just that, it’s an effort that does not command respect or credibility. 

I am not here to judge them. I can understand why they would take that path, it’s just that I don’t agree with it. But what concerned me the most is how this is becoming a new-age-normal. A society where it’s okay to ghost someone and to be ghosted.  

All in all, if you are being ghosted, don't be hard on yourself, find a way that's least self-afflicting and get over it. You deserve better. And if you are the one ghosting someone, roll back those shoulders of yours, lift up that chin, and look into the eyes of your reflection in a mirror; and do what it takes so that you don't flinch at the thought of what you have put that someone through.

On a lighter note, this meme I came across today makes even more sense; it’s from one of my favourite comicstrip on insta @dinosandcomics . Isn’t it true?