I don't know why I stopped writing.
It was my respite from the usual chaos of life. I realized last week that it’s been over 2 years since I have written anything at all.
It made me wonder why the very things that help keep us grounded are the first things we cut ourselves off from when we are lost.
I am lost.
Here let me admit to the universe out there. I am lost and I am writing it here in black and white; so I have no way of lying to myself anymore.
You can be doing everything right, going through a perfect routine and still be lost.
Most people are too busy getting through the routine, they usually become numb to general curiosity or casual pondering, which probably is good for them. Because mind is a wild wild thing and hard to tame when set loose.
I go through this phase every now and then, it’s not new to me. It’s a weird restlessness. There’s no sadness there. Just badly wanting to do something, but not knowing exactly what. That urge to find something that resonates with my mind, body and soul. Basically finding my ikigai.
In the last decade, whenever I entered this phase, writing & painting would help me clear the brain fog. But last year, with all the health issues, I lost touch with my creative self. Walking, writing, painting, reading - things that were my form of meditation, quietly slipped away and I did not even realize it. There are hundreds of unfinished drafts in my notes app, most with barely 3-4 sentences. There’s one unfinished painting on my easel that has been painted over twice now and the canvas is still glaring at me.
It’s frustrating when you are fully aware of what’s going on and still cannot get those thoughts in order. The more my mind became chaotic, the further I drifted away. It’s like floating high and seeing yourself from the outside as a stranger.
Before this sets off alarm bells in your head, no, I am not depressed (I mean I can see why getting into depression is so easy these days, and yet so hard to spot, but knowing my mind, I know it’s not that). I eat healthy, go to work every day, mingle with my social circle, go to events, attend gatherings, talk to my loved ones etc… etc… Like I said, I have a perfect routine and there’s nothing of concern there.
What I meant by drifting away was that everyone has a grounding technique, consciously or sub-consciously. For most, their family or other life commitments keeps them grounded. Fulfilling daily responsibilities drains enough energy so as to not let the neural network short circuit. People don’t have time to waste on day dreaming.
But for people like me, who are free from commitments and otherwise content with life, we need grounding techniques to ensure the wandering mind remains a safe space for us. I am not afraid of uncontrolled thoughts. They spark curiosity in me, and have always led to me to deeper knowledge and unique experiences. But when thoughts get over whelming, they tend to have the opposite effect on you. You tend to get lazy, uninterested in anything “extra”. The easy way to spot it is when you stop doing those activities that always bring out the best version of you.
Long story short, I think, somewhere between coming to terms with my health incident and my usual self-exploration drills, my connection to zen mode faded away. But I was able to grab the last few strands and hold on to them in an effort to reconnect. I was able to save myself from drowning in my own thoughts. It’s good to hit a lull, reset, and restart. It makes life feel more alive. Me writing this blog is my way of hitting the restart button.
How the next few days, weeks and months will play out, I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care. Who has seen the tomorrow? Right now, it feels good to type these words. It feels good to hydrate my brain cells. It feels good to slowly reconnect with myself.
Despite everything, I will always choose a wild mind over a curated one. Always.
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