Feminism, Indian Society and Liberty - Why can't they walk together?

I read an article today; “Taking the aggression out of masculinity” printed in The Hindu; Jan 3^rd 2013; OP-ED section. The writer had done a great job listing out areas that outlines masculinity in our society. I know it’s an old article; I was going through the editorials of this year in preparation for the IAS exams. So what made me start typing out this write-up? I am getting to that.

This article was in response to a dreadful event that shook our country early this year – rape and death of a young woman in Delhi. The author of above mentioned article has done a beautiful job of giving a complete different perspective of finding the cause instead of commenting on the cure. Personally, such events disturb me, to an extent that I get an intense feeling of vomiting when I read or hear such things. A disgusting feeling; A feeling of helplessness; which I cannot express. But I am not here to talk about this event, I probably am not strong enough to visualize such event and comment on it.

In this article, writer has mentioned different dimensions to Indian masculinity and how they originated. I liked the term “Indian Masculinity” because honestly speaking we Indians have completely different perspective of Man and Woman compared to the Western world. The reason I am choosing India vs Western world is because I have been in USA for more than 4 years now and have spent almost a year in UK. I would like to compare few aspects that I have experienced across these 2 realms of world. I cannot comment on the Middle East or other Asian countries since I haven’t lived there. Now, don’t think that I am just another NRI who is attracted to the western culture. I read Bhagvad Gita, meditate, visit temples and have immense interest in studying Indian Culture. So, really my faith in Religion, Customs & Culture has got nothing to do with what I am going to discuss. I just want to give an account of my experiences.

This time I had visited India to write the UPSC Prelims exam for IAS. I visited my relatives and family friends; this being the wedding season in India, there were lot of family gatherings that I got an opportunity to be part of. And you know how those “we care for you” relatives/friends are; all that my relatives could do was show their immense concern towards my parents for me still being SINGLE despite of my age nearing the bar “30”. No one seemed to appreciate the fact of me being a successful professional, an independent person, financial backbone of my family, the only girl in quite far-off relations to be travelling around the world ALONE. This; kind of filled me with disgust for the society surrounding me. My parents unlike others did not restrict me or my sister when it came to education or self-empowerment. I owe what I am today to my parents. They ensured that we get to do what we wanted. But today, they have to listen to this society which blames them for not controlling their daughters or not getting them married off early. 

But looking back, I feel I must also give a share of credit for my success to this same society. When I was a child, in similar family gatherings, these same people had concern for my parents for not having any son; I have grown up listening to comments like “Oh! 2 Daughters? No Sons? How will you manage?”; “Oh! You will have to start saving for their wedding from now itself”; “Don’t educate them highly, you will have difficulty in finding a groom”; “Engineering? Why? Get them married after 12^th”; “What, she is going out of town? Don’t give girls so much freedom; it will be difficult to control them.” I don’t know how you feel reading these comments, but trust me; I used to feel like punching them at their face and breaking their nose. Those were the moments, when I decided, if not for anything, I will definitely do something good enough to shut these people for life. Achieve success that guys in our family also haven’t attained. Something for sure before I get married. It was the only reason, why I insisted on going away from home; to live and work independently in this society before I get married. The reason I wanted to do all this before I got married was simple, I did not want to give any credit to the so called husbandly figure for what I achieved. It’s been 8 years since I stepped out of my home and I am much more than what I thought to be. I am myself, which means a lot. My sister is a doctor who will be completing her MD this year.

And as for my relatives, they have definitely stopped saying that we are financial burden anymore. But now they have a new concern; doesn’t look like there is stopping them huh! Now all they recite is when are your daughters getting married? Exactly this mentality of the people - a girl is meant to be a mother and home-maker; depicts the male domination in our society. I am not saying that being a mother or home maker is not a respectable job. Definitely not! My point is – we are not given the liberty to choose; if we want to be a home-maker or say an Architect.

I don’t even have to go outside my family to give an example of how difficult it is for a woman to sustain in Indian society. I am feeling the pressure owing to the society and the so called normal society standard of kids to start a family by their 30’s. I know this topic of marriage is a common problem for both guys and girls. But the pressure on a girl being single in her late 20’s is 1000 times more than an unmarried guy turning 30. Reason - “A guy has to settle; must have enough savings to sustain himself and needs to buy property etc…so it makes sense if guys remain single at 30. But a girl doesn’t need all that” And I don’t blame men of the society completely for all this. It’s primarily the women section of our society which is strengthening the roots of such beliefs.

How is western world different? Simple example – as soon as you meet someone, the immediate question is NEVER “Are you married?” No eyebrows get raised when you say you are single at 30. Woman have equal financial responsibilities of the family as the man; which gives them equal rights to similar education and job; hence equal respect. There are no customs and no festivals like karwa chauth etc… that forces them to worship their husbands as gods. If there is a father’s day, there is a mother’s day. A woman can go to a club at 12 in the night just like any other guy without anyone commenting “Kaise sanskaar hai?” She can dress as she likes without fear of what someone will say. Ogling instances are really rare in public places or public transportation (I have hardly encountered any in USA till date but I don’t miss to get one when in India even on a 10 days’ vacation). There are many more, but I would stop here.

We Indians walk around with the mask of our age old culture. But our culture does not teach to limit the power of a woman. If there is an idol of Lord Shiva-the Destroyer; there is also an idol of Goddess Durga, who is equally strong and destructive. A woman has equal right to define her life on her terms. She has the right to be obsessed about her career that she has built over years of hard work just like any guy would do. Her dreams can include areas outside kitchen and family. She can stay alone and take care of herself without having any dependency on anyone. She can deny giving dowry, Oh Please – if you paid 40 lacs for an MD seat or a house for your son, why the hell should the girl repay it? If your son was incapable of getting a merit seat or buying a house, why should the girl marrying him bear the burden of it? She can also set terms for marriage just like a guy does. Why is it so hard to believe that a girl can reject a guy for not meeting her matrimonial requirements? Even today 90% of the society thinks that a girl who walks in with her head down holding a tray of tea and says “yes” to whatever her parents say is the best bride for them or their sons v/s the girl who speaks openly and asks questions regarding her future after marriage. I mean; what the heck!! 

I am not against the male species. Some of the people who matter a lot in my life, who have supported and given strength to me; do belong to this species whether it be my Dad or Uncle or  Lecturers or few of my best friends. My frustration is against the majority of our society who make it hard for girls to follow their dreams. My anger is towards the fact that girls are not given a choice and worst still are brought up in an environment giving an impression that they cannot live without the support of a man.

So what’s the relation of all this to the article I mentioned in the beginning of this write-up? The writer has given few examples of how different factors like customs, media & entertainment, educational political & judicial institution etc… play a role in setting a social standard for how a man & woman should behave. The account I gave in this article is of very minute level which every girl even in a well-off; well-educated family goes through. What I spoke of so far does not even account for 2% of problems that a woman faces. Even in investigation of cases involving rapes, fingers keep getting pointed on the girl’s character based on the kind of clothe she was wearing, time in the night when she was out, person she was with etc…  not just from the society but also from the judiciaries and police.

I know; things are changing but at a pace where we take 2 steps ahead and are pushed 4 steps back. Sadly, given the current standards of our society we will have to wait for at least 4-5 decades before we can see real equality between these genders. For heaven’s sake; countries in West are arguing on getting Gay marriage legal and we are still fighting for freedom of opinion of a girl in her own marriage, dowry system, inter-caste marriages etc...Forget about gay/lesbians, they are far behind in the game. Sometimes I wish that girl’s become so bold and strong that a day comes when guys walking on the Indian street carry the same fear that girls today walk with. I know, it’s not a fair deal, but what I mean to say is girls should get bold enough to protect themselves not just from physical assault but also from emotional, social, psychological assaults. Girls should start questioning the perspective of our society. Culture & Religion has got nothing to do with demeaning a woman’s standard.

The writer explains that aggression doesn’t define the level of manliness in a guy. On similar lines I wish to say that amount of shyness needn’t define a woman's character or feminism.

 - Sarita

(Dated - 18^th June 2013)