“It’s high time. You have to let go.” Everyone hears this line at some point in life. So what is this letting go stuff? Why is it so difficult for few of us to let go of something or someone?
I have few people in life who fall into this category of “should let go of”; which I haven’t been able to till date. They have moved on, probably don’t even remember me or the incidents involving us. Their priorities have changed; couple of them are family people now and others may be just busy with their lives. So why is it hard for me to behave normal when thoughts or names of these people come up? Does that mean I am emotionally weak or my feelings for these people were much stronger or just that I haven’t been able to accept the reality?
It is hard at least for me to believe that people and situations can change so fast. To see that folks who were your best buddies or partner for lifetime can one fine day just turn into complete strangers. My friends say I am stuck in the past and am not moving on. I am not saying that I think of these people or cry for them every day. It’s just that whenever their thoughts cross my mind, my heart is disturbed. There is a pinch of pain always thinking of how things changed between us. I guess, it’s that immense trust you put into a person, when broken leaves the shattered pieces pierced in your heart.
So does letting go mean forgetting? Per me, No.
You cannot forget beautiful or most precious moments of life just because the other actor/actress of the scene is no longer part of the play. And as long as those memories exist in your brain, you cannot forget those people too. Memories and act of Forgetting are antonyms; aren’t they? It’s not possible neurologically for the person to do that. Our brains are designed to save memories and bring them back when relative events occur.
Some say, pain will leave you when you let go. Again I feel, No.
If those people mattered to you so much, then their memories are going to cause you pain. Human psychology (as per neurology), function in a sequential way that will trigger emotions such as happiness, pain, anger, frustration etc.. tied to each memory. So you will be bound to feel sad when you realize that the person is no longer part of your life (whether they passed away or chose to leave you). It’s natural.
One of my friend mentioned ; letting-go is more difficult when it involves opposite sex. Hmm…True most of the times, but not always.
I have had trouble letting go of couple of friends belonging to same sex too. So I feel it has more to do with the amount of effort you have put into that relationship and how much expectations you have from that person. And like my friend mentioned, most often we invest more time/effort and give more of ourselves in building relation with opposite sex v/s same sex, hence it’s true in most cases where letting-go of a relation with girl is more difficult for a guy and vice-versa.
Then what does exactly “to let go of” mean?
According to me, it means that these memories and/or thoughts of the person does not impact your life from moving ahead; does not tie you down to the past and hamper your present functioning. Like we Indians say; does not make you Devdas :) (well he is a very popular character from a Bengali Romance novel "Devdas" published in 1917 who potrays a rich, accomplished youngster turning into an aimless drunkard after being left heart-broken by his lover).So, I was saying, aah...yes, They will cause you pain, but you learn to accept it; it no longer makes you physically weak or uninterested in life. You keep walking creating new memories in life. Your brain will simulate feeling of pain or anger or frustration, but at the same time your psychology has evolved to control these emotions such that it no longer affects your current activities. Your eyes might get wet when their thoughts cross your mind, but you have now trained your heart to wipe them and smile immediately so that your present is no longer disturbed by these past memories.
Some say, Time plays an important role in this.
With time people learn to forget and move on. I still feel more than time it’s we ourselves who play a role here. For all you know, you can let go of some people in a matter of few days while still hang on to some for many years to come. Its only when we decide to put those people into the let-go-of bucket is when we really move on. For some of us, it takes years to convince ourselves and tag them as “must let go”; just because they were an important part of our life; most precious ones.
One of my friend used to say – “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”. Isn’t it true?
I feel distance does play a bigger role. The lesser you see that person or things related to that person, the lesser chances are of you tripping on one of his/her memories. Well basically, run away from the scene. I did try it; leave the place breaking all ties with that person and any memory related to that person (roads, parks, restaurants, favorite hangouts, common friends etc.. etc.. just wiping off all of them from my sight). Again, it reduces the chances of you thinking about him/her, but needn’t necessarily reduce the intensity of emotions when you do think of them. That as I mentioned above, purely depends on us. But we cannot ignore that all the above factors can act as catalyst in the process.
So yes, some of those people have been in my “must let go” list, their thoughts disturb me but does not stop me from living my life; from being happy; from making new memories. But they still cause pain, so let’s see if time will play any role here :)
And mind you – all this Ramayan of letting-go is only when you have burnt all the bridges and can no longer go back to where you were. However, if there is a slightest chance of applying M-Seal on those cracks, please please please do it. Because trust me – this letting-go process sucks; whether you deal with it in matter of few days or years; the mess it creates in your head and heart is real bad! It can take you for a ride if you are not in control!!
Again, everyone goes through this phase, and everyone deals with it; in his own style and capacity. Whether you were the reason or not for things to fall apart, you no longer can change the past, so one must learn to accept it. And it takes effort; like they say “learn to accept”. Hence, it’s an art one learns – The Art of Letting-Go.
I had received the below poem as a forward long back – almost 5-6 years back. Then, I did not realize the intensity of these words, but I knew someday I might understand it better. Now I go over this and feel that it kind of makes sense; not that I fully agree with it, but it helps in bringing yourself to peace with the past.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
I thank these people for being a part of my life, whether it was for a REASON or a SEASON; the pain I feel is just because they were not there for a LIFETIME.
-Sarita
July 2, 2013.
I have few people in life who fall into this category of “should let go of”; which I haven’t been able to till date. They have moved on, probably don’t even remember me or the incidents involving us. Their priorities have changed; couple of them are family people now and others may be just busy with their lives. So why is it hard for me to behave normal when thoughts or names of these people come up? Does that mean I am emotionally weak or my feelings for these people were much stronger or just that I haven’t been able to accept the reality?
It is hard at least for me to believe that people and situations can change so fast. To see that folks who were your best buddies or partner for lifetime can one fine day just turn into complete strangers. My friends say I am stuck in the past and am not moving on. I am not saying that I think of these people or cry for them every day. It’s just that whenever their thoughts cross my mind, my heart is disturbed. There is a pinch of pain always thinking of how things changed between us. I guess, it’s that immense trust you put into a person, when broken leaves the shattered pieces pierced in your heart.
So does letting go mean forgetting? Per me, No.
You cannot forget beautiful or most precious moments of life just because the other actor/actress of the scene is no longer part of the play. And as long as those memories exist in your brain, you cannot forget those people too. Memories and act of Forgetting are antonyms; aren’t they? It’s not possible neurologically for the person to do that. Our brains are designed to save memories and bring them back when relative events occur.
Some say, pain will leave you when you let go. Again I feel, No.
If those people mattered to you so much, then their memories are going to cause you pain. Human psychology (as per neurology), function in a sequential way that will trigger emotions such as happiness, pain, anger, frustration etc.. tied to each memory. So you will be bound to feel sad when you realize that the person is no longer part of your life (whether they passed away or chose to leave you). It’s natural.
One of my friend mentioned ; letting-go is more difficult when it involves opposite sex. Hmm…True most of the times, but not always.
I have had trouble letting go of couple of friends belonging to same sex too. So I feel it has more to do with the amount of effort you have put into that relationship and how much expectations you have from that person. And like my friend mentioned, most often we invest more time/effort and give more of ourselves in building relation with opposite sex v/s same sex, hence it’s true in most cases where letting-go of a relation with girl is more difficult for a guy and vice-versa.
Then what does exactly “to let go of” mean?
According to me, it means that these memories and/or thoughts of the person does not impact your life from moving ahead; does not tie you down to the past and hamper your present functioning. Like we Indians say; does not make you Devdas :) (well he is a very popular character from a Bengali Romance novel "Devdas" published in 1917 who potrays a rich, accomplished youngster turning into an aimless drunkard after being left heart-broken by his lover).So, I was saying, aah...yes, They will cause you pain, but you learn to accept it; it no longer makes you physically weak or uninterested in life. You keep walking creating new memories in life. Your brain will simulate feeling of pain or anger or frustration, but at the same time your psychology has evolved to control these emotions such that it no longer affects your current activities. Your eyes might get wet when their thoughts cross your mind, but you have now trained your heart to wipe them and smile immediately so that your present is no longer disturbed by these past memories.
Some say, Time plays an important role in this.
With time people learn to forget and move on. I still feel more than time it’s we ourselves who play a role here. For all you know, you can let go of some people in a matter of few days while still hang on to some for many years to come. Its only when we decide to put those people into the let-go-of bucket is when we really move on. For some of us, it takes years to convince ourselves and tag them as “must let go”; just because they were an important part of our life; most precious ones.
One of my friend used to say – “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”. Isn’t it true?
I feel distance does play a bigger role. The lesser you see that person or things related to that person, the lesser chances are of you tripping on one of his/her memories. Well basically, run away from the scene. I did try it; leave the place breaking all ties with that person and any memory related to that person (roads, parks, restaurants, favorite hangouts, common friends etc.. etc.. just wiping off all of them from my sight). Again, it reduces the chances of you thinking about him/her, but needn’t necessarily reduce the intensity of emotions when you do think of them. That as I mentioned above, purely depends on us. But we cannot ignore that all the above factors can act as catalyst in the process.
So yes, some of those people have been in my “must let go” list, their thoughts disturb me but does not stop me from living my life; from being happy; from making new memories. But they still cause pain, so let’s see if time will play any role here :)
And mind you – all this Ramayan of letting-go is only when you have burnt all the bridges and can no longer go back to where you were. However, if there is a slightest chance of applying M-Seal on those cracks, please please please do it. Because trust me – this letting-go process sucks; whether you deal with it in matter of few days or years; the mess it creates in your head and heart is real bad! It can take you for a ride if you are not in control!!
Again, everyone goes through this phase, and everyone deals with it; in his own style and capacity. Whether you were the reason or not for things to fall apart, you no longer can change the past, so one must learn to accept it. And it takes effort; like they say “learn to accept”. Hence, it’s an art one learns – The Art of Letting-Go.
I had received the below poem as a forward long back – almost 5-6 years back. Then, I did not realize the intensity of these words, but I knew someday I might understand it better. Now I go over this and feel that it kind of makes sense; not that I fully agree with it, but it helps in bringing yourself to peace with the past.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
I thank these people for being a part of my life, whether it was for a REASON or a SEASON; the pain I feel is just because they were not there for a LIFETIME.
-Sarita
July 2, 2013.
I hear you. Been there, felt that..well.. in-fact, feel that. :) Nicely put together.
ReplyDelete'Letting-go' is actually not possible. Probably the intensity of the emotions and the associated pain may go down,not go away. Ironically, the pain is more from the good moments than the sour ones.
Keep writing Saru!:)
read your mail ! :)
ReplyDeleteletting go would then be a continous process of controlling how much you want to "Drown" yourself in those memories.