Take the Awkwardness Out and Share their Silence!

4 years back, a friend of mine lost his father to cancer. It was for the first time when something like this had happened in my friends circle after I grew mature. Back then I dint know how to react to such a situation. Should I call him, would I disturb him, would he even like to talk about it, would it give him comfort or cause him more pain, should I rather mail him and so on? I dint know what to do. I mailed him, called him once and refrained from calling further; thinking he needed some lone time.

It’s the last situation you would want any of your friends to be in. Losing a dad or mom feels like an unimaginable incident. And not having been through it, it makes it more difficult for any of us to deal with it. On August 15^th 8:00 AM IST of this year, I was standing in that situation. My parents met with a road accident and my dad passed away on the spot leaving my mom injured. I was here in USA; my relatives and immediate family members dint want to disclose the fact to me. They just kept saying, he was serious and I needed to head back home (India) immediately. But I could feel that things were worse than they were trying to portray. I had a feeling that my dad wouldn't make it. I wished to see him one last time. I was to fly the next day.

Next day morning, a friend of mine left me a message on Facebook saying how sorry he was at my loss. The word “LOSS” struck me like a lightning. Although I knew somewhere that the worse was awaiting, part of me dint want to know it. I knew I dint have time to cry, I knew I had to take care of my Mom and my younger sister, I knew I had to be there for them. And I also knew that the only time I could let my tears flow was during these 22 hours of my journey back to India. You can cry only for a limited time, after that even your tears dry out. That’s what happened to me, on my flight from Denver to Frankfurt I cried. But then, I couldn't; hence leaving me enough lone time to think, both about what has already happened and what I needed to do in future. I knew the toughest time for me was during my dad’s funeral. I knew if I crossed those few hours of funeral activities, if I could keep myself together; I could gather enough strength to handle rest of the responsibilities.

My dad treated me as his son; he never thought less of me. He had immense confidence that I would take care of our family in his absence, and I dint want to let him down. He hated tears especially of his daughters. So I had decided that I will be strong and will not shed even a single drop during his funeral. As I was approaching my home, I could see quite a large crowd, and my heart kept beating faster and faster. In that sea of faces, all I wanted to see was the face of my sister and mom. As I was walking towards the entrance of my home, my sister came running out, hugged me tight and started weeping. It was quite tempting for me to cry at that time, but I knew I shouldn't, and I dint. She did have longest 2 days in her life. I consoled her and we walked in. Dad’s body was kept in the hall. When I saw him, it sent a chill down my spine; one can’t explain that moment; especially when you see the person you love more than yourself like that. I touched him, kissed his forehead. It was like he was in a deep sleep having some beautiful dream; there was a smile on his face. It gave me a satisfaction that he went away happily. My heart was pounding; my entire body was trembling because I was trying to control my emotion. Those were the toughest moments of my life. I went to my mom, hugged and consoled her. And then the rituals began and we cremated him. Throughout the day, a lot of close relatives and family friends met me in tears, but I did not cry.

A month and half later, I got a message that my friend’s dad had passed away due to a diabetic attack. My friend was also in US at that time, and was flying back home (Karnataka).  I was still in India supporting my family, and as soon as I heard this news, I knew I had to meet him. 4 days later, I booked a taxi and drove to his hometown which was 6-7 hours’ drive away from my home, and met his family for the first time. His Ammi, Aapas’, Bhaijaan , Bhabhijaan and cousins; all were at home and I spent some quality time with them. We did not have any great discussions, or any philosophical classes; we just spent some time together, remembering their dad, talking about their family etc…

The point I wanted to make was; most of us find this situation very awkward. I did feel that way too at some point in life. But after having gone through it, I know that all one needs during this time is someone just sitting next to them and sharing their silence. Trust me, if a friend or loved one of yours ends up in such a situation, and if you are in a position to visit him/her personally don’t think twice, pay a visit. If you cannot visit; then call them. It’s quite possible they won’t be able to talk much during this time; don’t feel offended; just say you are there for them and hang up. If you cannot reach them on call; drop a mail, leave a message – but just let them know that you have been keeping them in your thoughts & prayers; you are there for them. It will give them some strength, some relief during this crisis situation.

People during this time don’t need financial help or philosophical preaching; they will have enough relatives and well-wishers for that. They just need a shoulder of a friend to rest their heavy heart, just having someone beside them to listen to their heart.

I did not have the privilege of having any of my friends next to me in person during this tough time, but they were there for me. They checked on me through calls and mails. And I knew they had me in their prayers. Knowing that there are few people out there who will support you in getting through this situation does give you some sort of relief, although life isn't the same after something like this.

Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."

Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?

Maximus: You must know. He was your father.

(Dialogues from movie Gladiator (Release Year 2000.)

Yes, my father had a smiling face when he embraced death; such a brave man he was and will always remain my hero. If I can gather enough strength, I will write about him some day.

But in this post, I just wanted to say; however awkward this situation might seem to you; gather enough courage to be with those fighting such a situation; it’s the least you can do but will be of an invaluable support to them.

(Update 3/9/2015 - A Year later I have written another post on how it feels to live life after losing someone you love. http://saritahere.blogspot.com/2015/03/10-things-you-do-after-you-lose-someone.html)

 -Sarita

Dated: 20th December 2013.