4 years back, a friend of mine lost his father to cancer. It
was for the first time when something like this had happened in my friends
circle after I grew mature. Back then I dint know how to react to such a
situation. Should I call him, would I disturb him, would he even like to talk
about it, would it give him comfort or cause him more pain, should I rather
mail him and so on? I dint know what to do. I mailed him, called him once and
refrained from calling further; thinking he needed some lone time.
(Update 3/9/2015 - A Year later I have written another post on how it feels to live life after losing someone you love. http://saritahere.blogspot.com/2015/03/10-things-you-do-after-you-lose-someone.html)
-Sarita
It’s the last situation you would want any of your friends
to be in. Losing a dad or mom feels like an unimaginable incident. And not
having been through it, it makes it more difficult for any of us to deal with
it. On August 15th 8:00 AM IST of this year, I was standing in that
situation. My parents met with a road accident and my dad passed away on the
spot leaving my mom injured. I was here in USA; my relatives and immediate
family members dint want to disclose the fact to me. They just kept saying, he
was serious and I needed to head back home (India) immediately. But I could
feel that things were worse than they were trying to portray. I had a feeling
that my dad wouldn't make it. I wished to see him one last time. I was to fly
the next day.
Next day morning, a friend of mine left me a message on
Facebook saying how sorry he was at my loss. The word “LOSS” struck me like a
lightning. Although I knew somewhere that the worse was awaiting, part of me
dint want to know it. I knew I dint have time to cry, I knew I had to take care
of my Mom and my younger sister, I knew I had to be there for them. And I also
knew that the only time I could let my tears flow was during these 22 hours of my
journey back to India. You can cry only for a limited time, after that even
your tears dry out. That’s what happened to me, on my flight from Denver to
Frankfurt I cried. But then, I couldn't; hence leaving me enough lone time to
think, both about what has already happened and what I needed to do in future.
I knew the toughest time for me was during my dad’s funeral. I knew if I
crossed those few hours of funeral activities, if I could keep myself together;
I could gather enough strength to handle rest of the responsibilities.
My dad treated me as his son; he never thought less of me.
He had immense confidence that I would take care of our family in his absence,
and I dint want to let him down. He hated tears especially of his daughters. So
I had decided that I will be strong and will not shed even a single drop during
his funeral. As I was approaching my home, I could see quite a large crowd, and
my heart kept beating faster and faster. In that sea of faces, all I wanted to
see was the face of my sister and mom. As I was walking towards the entrance of
my home, my sister came running out, hugged me tight and started weeping. It
was quite tempting for me to cry at that time, but I knew I shouldn't, and I
dint. She did have longest 2 days in her life. I consoled her and we walked in.
Dad’s body was kept in the hall. When I saw him, it sent a chill down my spine;
one can’t explain that moment; especially when you see the person you love more
than yourself like that. I touched him, kissed his forehead. It was like he was
in a deep sleep having some beautiful dream; there was a smile on his face.
It gave me a satisfaction that he went away happily. My heart was pounding; my
entire body was trembling because I was trying to control my emotion. Those
were the toughest moments of my life. I went to my mom, hugged and
consoled her. And then the rituals began and we cremated him. Throughout the
day, a lot of close relatives and family friends met me in tears, but I did not
cry.
A month and half later, I got a message that my friend’s dad
had passed away due to a diabetic attack. My friend was also in US at that
time, and was flying back home (Karnataka). I was still in India supporting my family, and
as soon as I heard this news, I knew I had to meet him. 4 days later, I booked
a taxi and drove to his hometown which was 6-7 hours’ drive away from my home,
and met his family for the first time. His Ammi, Aapas’, Bhaijaan , Bhabhijaan
and cousins; all were at home and I spent some quality time with them. We did
not have any great discussions, or any philosophical classes; we just spent
some time together, remembering their dad, talking about their family etc…
The point I wanted to make was; most of us find this
situation very awkward. I did feel that way too at some point in life. But after
having gone through it, I know that all one needs during this time is someone
just sitting next to them and sharing their silence. Trust me, if a friend or
loved one of yours ends up in such a situation, and if you are in a position to
visit him/her personally don’t think twice, pay a visit. If you cannot visit;
then call them. It’s quite possible they won’t be able to talk much during this
time; don’t feel offended; just say you are there for them and hang up. If you
cannot reach them on call; drop a mail, leave a message – but just let them
know that you have been keeping them in your thoughts & prayers; you are
there for them. It will give them some strength, some relief during this crisis
situation.
People during this
time don’t need financial help or philosophical preaching; they will have
enough relatives and well-wishers for that. They just need a shoulder of a
friend to rest their heavy heart, just having someone beside them to listen to
their heart.
I did not have the privilege of
having any of my friends next to me in person during this tough time, but they
were there for me. They checked on me through calls and mails. And I knew they
had me in their prayers. Knowing that there are few people out there who will
support you in getting through this situation does give you some sort of
relief, although life isn't the same after something like this.
Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death
smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own
death?
Maximus: You must know. He was your father.
(Dialogues from movie Gladiator (Release Year 2000.)
Yes, my father had a smiling
face when he embraced death; such a brave man he was and will always remain my
hero. If I can gather enough strength, I will write about him some day.
But in this post, I just wanted
to say; however awkward this situation might seem to you; gather enough courage
to be with those fighting such a situation; it’s the least you can do but will
be of an invaluable support to them.
(Update 3/9/2015 - A Year later I have written another post on how it feels to live life after losing someone you love. http://saritahere.blogspot.com/2015/03/10-things-you-do-after-you-lose-someone.html)
Dated: 20th December 2013.
Akka every word you said I could feel it.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. You are a brave gal...
Akka every word of your's I could feel it.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. You are a brave gal. Love you..