Another Foggy Day

Sometimes you go down the rabbit hole of self evaluation sub-consciously, without even realizing you are actually feeling that way. Usually takes a good friend to notice the signs and snap you out of it. And my sweetheart did that to me today.

I am one of those who is very content and happy with life, quite comfortable in her skin and pretty confident about all the decisions; irrespective of them being right or wrong. I never felt apologetic for who I am and where I am right now.

Me being single has been my strength all along and not something that I am ashamed of. I never saw it as my failure in life, no matter how much others tried to hammer that thought into me. Remember, I come from an asian society with strong cultural views. It wasn’t easy, and it took me through some pretty rough days in the beginning. But I came through. It’s not like I have not been in love or relationships, I just chose when to stop being in one.

I don’t know what put me in the defensive mode recently. Whether it was my mom’s continued nagging (which I don’t blame her, she is doing what every parent would do), or my friends/families concern during my extended stay back home rubbed off on me the wrong way or that I realized I literally didn’t have anyone who’s single in my friends circle.

Either way, something forced me into self analysis mode as to why am I the only one who doesn’t feel the same way about marriage as everyone else does? Like why am I programmed so differently than the rest etc..etc.. And apparently when I spoke to my friend today, she spotted that I was doing that self criticism thingy and called me out on it.

I know myself well enough that if I had not come across her, I would have figured it out myself in a day or two and would get my act together in no time. She just sped up the process and am thankful for that.

Long story short, if I; who (and this am not exaggerating) as a pretty positive, self motivated, and self loving person; can harbour self doubt on a bad day; I can see how difficult it can be for most folks out there who are fighting this battle of existence (although I don’t know of any in-person, I believe they exist in some part of this universe).

Doesn’t matter really, if my outlook towards life isn’t in line with that of the rest. What matters is I have faith in it. Marriage or no marriage, my life is not something that can be rated by a second party.

Sharing this thought here is my way of making this moment real; of telling my future self that there were hazy days too. The thing is, I love who I have become. Someone who accepts reality and still knows to enjoy life.

I want to remind myself that no matter what comes next, life can still remain simple. And no matter how complex my emotions get, I will always stay straightforward.

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