Where Next?

"So, where next?" he asked looking at her attentively.

"hmm..Don't know" she said looking out of the window seemingly distracted.

He sipped his coffee and continued "You must have thought something. You need to have some plan. You can't carry on like this forever. You know that right?"

She was lost in thoughts, drumming her fingers on the handle of her coffee mug - "hmm" she hummed. The cafe was playing some acoustic version of "When we were young".

In an irritated tone he called out "Chloe? Chloe, are you listening to me?"

She shook her head and said "Yeah, yeah, am here." looking back at him.

"What are you running from? Why are you doing this?" he said in a concerned tone.

"Oh come on! Stop being so dramatic. I don't need another "mother" right now. " she said air quoting.

"Alright. Alright" he said throwing his hands in the air "But just help me understand. Why do you want to leave? Again? It's not even two months that you are back home!"

It was her turn to be irritated now. "I told you Alex. I just want to go on a backpacking trip. That's it. I don't understand why you guys are making a huge deal out of it. There's no back story there Alex, just a simple trip, like always, I will be back home. You are making it sound like I am running away!" she finished by taking a long deep breath and looking at him sharply.

"No Chloe, it's not "that's it". It's way more than "that", way deep than "it"." he said air quoting the words. "When it comes to you, I get completely lost, I just can't make sense of anything about your life. What do you fear Chloe? Aunt is not forcing you to marry anyone anymore. So what is it that's bothering you?"

"What?!" She said exasperated. "Come on Alex. Honestly!? I am not scared of anything. It's nothing to do with Mom or my marriage. I just want to explore the world, and that's all. Is it so hard for you guys to wrap your head around?" she asked looking around the cafe brushing her hair back.

Alex and Chloe have been friends for a long time, the kind of friends who don't judge each other, and confront one another when needed.

He smiled. "Well, for me, it seems like you are just scared to commit. To anything, whether its a place, a person or a job. It's like every time something seems to get close to you, you just uproot yourself and move. You have changed what like 5 jobs in last 4 years? You come back to hometown to reset and then you leave again. Sometimes it's a backpacking trip, sometimes it's hiking, sometimes it's change of place due to job. Chloe, what are you looking for? What is it that you want?" he said placing his hand on hers and squeezing it lightly.

She laughed, the kind that echoes and makes you smile in return. "Why do you think it's important for me to stay put at one place to experience true life? Why should I pin down myself to a place, have a home, a husband, children, a mortgage, a car, a job, weekend barbecues etc...etc...? What makes you think that I am running away from life, just because I don't stick to a place or a job? Why do you think am unhappy?"

Alex waited for her to say more. His tall slender body leaning forward, his arms crossed on the table, his intent eyes resting on hers.

Picking up the hint, she continued "Why don't you think that our lives are different? I don't want to live for a tomorrow that's 4 decades out in future. I don't believe in having an unhappy or a mediocre today so I can have a beautiful tomorrow. I might seem detached to you, but I am more attached to myself and my emotions than the whole lot of you. How many of you are true to your heart and feelings? Every morning I wake up and am happy to be alive. I am not breathing heavily bearing unseen burden. Life for me is not just another day, another routine, another responsibility. My life has no planned roadmap. And I love my life that way. I wake up to my happy soul every single day, and that's all that matters to me."

Alex leaned back and smiled. "Good. That makes me feel so much better."

Chloe narrowed her eyebrows and looked at him quizzically.

He said "I spoke to your mom last weekend, she was worried that you are running away from commitments, that your past has scarred you. I told her, that Chloe isn't the one who dwells in the past. But I think some of her worries rubbed off on me. I just wanted to talk to you and find out, that you are still the same Chloe, the same strong headed arrogant crazy gal that I love dearly."

Chloe smiled and said "Maybe, I am not strong like you all. So I cannot have what you all want me to have. Stability - does not gel with my personality any more. I think fluidity - yup, fluidity matches my life." 

Alex watched strands of her hair fall unevenly on her forehead. Everything about her was imperfect yet beautiful. The way the ruffles of her dress floated, her eyes constantly moving observing her surrounding, her body casually leaning on the chair like this cafe is not some public place but her patio. She was everything people envied, everything they couldn't be. She was free.

He said "Chloe, you are way stronger than you think. Hell, you are that friend we all look up to when we are in need of advise. You have straightened so many of our relationship and life issues. If you think you cannot handle a committed relationship, or a stable life, you are lying to yourself. Am sure when true love knocks at your heart, you will embrace it with everything you have got. But yes, like you said, your life is fluid, and there's no reason to change it. Just because we don't understand your reasons of happiness, doesn't make it non existent."

She sighed looking down at her coffee mug "I don't know Alex. I feel restless. I just have to move. I simply can't breathe if I don't. I can't explain it to you or anyone. No one gets it. I have changed a lot Alex, and living on the road like this, gives me some sense of security, I feel safe. It's strange, but it's true Alex." she said finally giving in. 

A light silence hung in the air.

Then Alex leaned forward, wrapped his hands on her coffee mug, and let it rest on hers for few seconds, before leaning back on his chair.

He looked at her softly and said "Chloe, you must know, it's very difficult to be who you are. I know it comes naturally to you, but fluidity isn't a natural state for current society. And I wouldn't say they are wrong. Simply put, just how you don't understand their stability, they don't understand your fluidity." 

He continued "But unfortunately for you, their strength is greater in the society than the likes of yours. So, you end up giving explanations over and over again to your loved ones. Although you don't care for rest of the world, you cannot ignore us - your loved ones, and we are that unfortunate bridge between them and you, who cannot ignore either of you." He said pointing both his hands in opposite direction.  

"So, my dearest rebel, once in a while, you will have to repeat and justify your fluid state to Aunt or me or your loved ones, because we keep forgetting that there can be different ways to be happy." He said giving that reassuring smile, the one that said, he was there for her no matter what.

She lifted her gaze and looked at him with moist eyes. She was glad they had this conversation. She was overwhelmed with all the badgering she had faced in last few weeks and it felt good to have been understood for once. It felt like something heavy was lifted off her chest and placed on the table, with the cookies and coffee.