“Damn, heart break sucks!" Remy said handing over the cold beer to Zayn.
"That it does!" sighed Zayn.
They both were sitting on their camping chairs by the lake. They had thought of fishing that afternoon, but then decided to just sit back and relax.
"Hey, you think it will hurt less next time?" Remy asked opening his bottle.
"Oh, easy boy, there's already a next time!?" Zayn asked raising his eyebrows.
"You know what I mean." Remy nudged.
"Well, even if there's a next time, why are you already thinking of a heart break?" Zayn asked taking a sip.
"I mean, you have been through multiple relationships, what's it like? Does it get any easier?" Remy prodded further.
"Dude, I have had just 2 breakups. Am no relationship expert." Zayn scoffed.
"That's still one more than me." Remy laughed.
"Hmm. I won't say it gets easier, it's always painful. It's just that, the first one hurts the most." Zayn said looking past the horizon.
"You never spoke of your first love. Is that why?"
"Hmm." Zayn hummed seemingly drifting into his old memories.
"I don't know man. Are they all so ruthless?" Remy said following his gaze to horizon as well.
"Well, it's not us v/s them you know. It's just bad timing, crazy situations. It's just the fucking universe!" Zayn said throwing his hands up in the air.
"Yeah right, tell me about it." Remy said mockingly rolling a smoke.
After couple of brief silent moments, Remy said "Hey, thanks for tagging along man. I just needed to get some fresh air." he continued focussing on his freshly rolled joint.
"Are we hugging into tears now? Just enjoy the god damn beer." Zayn said in a flat tone.
Wind was howling in the far east, it wasn't cold though. Although it was almost end of spring, past couple of days was sunny and at a high 28°C. Remy had called Zayn yesterday night, asking if they can drive up the mountains for the weekend. Zayn was always up for impromptu trips, so here they were, sharing a beer, watching the mountains by the lake, a spot they had inadvertently pulled over.
"The firsts always leave a deep chasm in your heart. It doesn't fill-in with time, it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. With time we just learn to live with that void." Zayn said still lost in a different world.
He did not share much with people. Not that he wasn't talkative, but he thought some things were none of others business. Remy was the closest friend he had in town. They had been colleagues first, and had become good friends over last 2 years.
"You are as tough as they come. For you to still bleed, she should have been someone special." Remy said looking at Zayn with softened eyes.
"Aren't they all?" Zayn commented with a weary smile, taking another swig of his beer.
"I think it's more difficult for us guys. We can't weep or bitch about it or throw out our frustrations like they do. And I definitely cannot confide in anyone." Remy said searching for words.
Then taking in a long drag of his smoke and releasing it with a sigh, he looked at the sky.
"It's not easy to talk about this shit man. I just wish it was easy to ignore, but the damn thing just pinches right in here." he continued in a slightly choking voice, jabbing his index finger on his chest.
And then almost immediately as if coming back to reality, Remy shook his head and said "Gosh it seemed so gay. Sorry." he looked down, rubbing his brows and giving a fake chuckle.
"There's nothing gay or straight about it. It's all just hypocrisy. It hurts, and you are allowed to feel and show that pain. Fuck what world thinks." Zayn said looking straight into Remy's eyes, using his cold authoritative tone, one he uses when he wants to make a point with no drama. That's what Remy liked about Zayn, the one friend he could talk to, without being judged.
"I will drink to that" Remy said his voice still shaking, raising his beer to Zayn in a virtual cheers, and finishing the rest of it in three huge gulps.
"Sometimes I wonder.." Remy started when Zayn cut him off.
"No no no no.. don't go down that rabbit hole of what ifs, there's no coming back from it. Stick to good times and find a way to get back to life. "Sometimes I wonder" is a very dangerous journey to go on, at this point in your life. You can do that years later, but not now." Zayn said with his signature tone of one who knows it all.
There were few more moments of silence, while Remy took couple more laborious drags from his roll-up, while Zayn picked up a fresh beer from the cooler.
"I was a mess after my first break-up. But she and I, our love, it was worth all the pain I had to go through. It's not easy, but it wouldn't be love if it was easy, would it?" Zayn smiled looking at Remy.
"I miss her, man. I can't get her out of my head. I just.., I tried,.. we tried to make it work, it just kept falling apart. I don't know what else I could have done. But now that it's over, I just can't think of my days without her. It just seems too weird. I don't know how to come out of this in one-piece." Remy said tossing his smoke and burying his face into his hands.
Zayn reached out and gave a slight squeeze on Remy's arm, saying "We all are broken Remy."
And then, he pulled another beer and handed it to Remy, who now was looking at Zayn with a new found respect. There was something in the way Zayn said those words, that had comforted Remy instantly.
Zayn took his beer and slightly tapping on Remy's, smiled and said "You will be fine my friend. You will be fine."
They both drank their beers in silence, watching the rest of the evening color the sky and the wind dancing on the lake; both of them lost in their world, picking the broken pieces from their memory.
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