“What makes you think it’s you?” She asked cocking her head to her right giving him a studying glance.
He thought he was sure, but now looking at her piercing eyes, he wasn’t so sure after all. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and clearing his throat said “Well, you know, you always write about broken heart. And ahem, we both know, how that happened. So.. you know, I thought that it’s written around our relationship.”
“Hmm” she said, straightening and sipping her bourbon.
“But now looks like I was a fool to think that?” Now it was his turn to shot that questioning glance.
“You were always a fool. You know that right. But anyway you were my fool!” She smiled.
“I like the sound of ‘my’ there. But I am getting a feeling there’s no place for it anymore?” he asked with slight nervousness.
“Tell me Erhan, why are you really here? I have my assumptions but I want to hear it from you. Tell me.” She leaned forward, throwing her full weight on the table and her full attention on him.
That was enough to throw him off balance. He tried to smile and could feel his facial muscles doing awkward dances; so he just closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.
He wasn’t one to be nervous around people. He wasn’t one to fall short of words. He could speak in front of hundred people without tensing a single muscle in his body. But this girl, this thin simple figure in front of him, she is the only one who can make him feel like this. Even after years, she can make him choke on his words and make him feel like a fool.
She was right, I was always a fool around her. He thought.
What was it he wanted to say to her? After all these years? What was he hoping for? After having screwed-up real bad, he had thought she would not even pick his call, but she did, and here they were in a pub, grabbing a drink and a casual lunch. But why was he here?
“Jaan, you know that the scotch won’t talk by itself, unfortunately they haven’t yet learnt that skill. So staring at it won’t help move this conversation ahead. You will still have to drink it, so it can plough those words out of your heart. Drinks here still work the old way.” She smiled amusing herself, taking another sip of her bourbon.
He lifted his eyes off the glass he was holding, smiled sheepishly and took a huge gulp in. He fidgeted his fingers while his mind was finding it absolutely hard to concentrate. He gathered all his strength and looked at her.
“I. Uh. I was wondering. Uh..”
“Oh for heavens sake Erhan, why are you so nervous? We have already broken up, and it’s been years. There’s nothing that can go wrong here, there’s hardly any expectations. Just say whatever it is.” She said spreading her arms in front of her, palms facing up.
“I wanted to ask if there’s any scope of a second chance for us.” He sighed finally blurting out a whole sentence in a single breath.
She dint say anything and just looked at him, intently. The silence hung over them, weighing him down by every passing second. He dint know why he said it but he remember telling himself she will say no, but at least you will know for sure instead of second guessing.
He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples he said “I am sorry Ayla. I shouldn’t have reopened old wounds. I totally understand if you say, no. I don’t know what I was thinking to be honest. I just, I don’t know, it’s all so exhausting.“ he exhaled tiredly.
She was quiet, sipping her bourbon, and never taking her eyes off of him.
“Say something Ayla. Please. Anything. This silence, it’s just torturous.” He looked at her pleadingly.
She drew a deep breath in, and he felt like she had sucked all the air in the room.
“Why do you think I might even consider you in my life Erhan?” She asked, in a cool composed and matter-of-factly tone.
Who was this woman in front of him? He blinked twice before speaking again.
“I see that now. For some reason I thought, reading your columns, that you were looking for love. I thought you were missing all the good times we had. I thought,..” he shook his head and said “I don’t know what I thought. I was just reading too much into it I guess. All this is a big mistake obviously. Am just a mess.”
She stretched her hands and held both his hands, firmly but with tenderness. “It’s okay. You at least faced yourself. It’s okay, relax.”
“Listen Erhan. I loved you, I truly did. And a part of me still loves all those wonderful times we had together. But we both have missed our chance on second chance. I am not missing anyone in my life Erhan. And what I write, is not at all related to how I feel today. I have had so many lives after we broke up, and I have lived through stories of so many heartbreaks of friends, I have become good at putting those emotions into words, that’s all. I am not yearning for anyone, and am definitely not pining for you.” He winced at that, at her simple direct words. When did she become this lady? This daring open person from the timid girl he once knew?
“No disrespect to you Erhan, but the Ayla who is sitting in front of you is not the same Ayla who was madly in love with you 7 years ago.” She said as if reading his thoughts. “But I thank you for meeting me today. Even if my heart had any remote suspicions about our relationship, today’s meeting might have put it to rest. In this last hour we have spent together, I did not feel like grabbing you with both my hands and kissing you passionately, I did not feel like hugging you so tight so as to never let you go. I wasn’t half as nervous as you, and did not once think what if you said no to me. Your words did not stir any wild emotions in me. If we hadn’t met today, I would have never known for sure that, you and I, we don’t have any future as partners.”
He marvelled at her. She wasn’t ruthless, no. She was just direct. She said all this, as if it was just another simple conversation. She had a good handle on all her senses. She did not falter, not once did she fumble. She wasn’t humiliating him, but he still felt a slight pinch in his guts.
How can someone transform so much? She definitely has seen a lot, more than she has let on. He knew he dint stand a chance when they met an hour ago, something in the way she had carried herself. Her gait was different, body straight, shoulders squared, chin up, a radiant smile that brought glint in her eyes, like she was sure of herself and her surroundings. He knew she was a different person, but his heart had still held a small hope, which was now clearly snuffed out.
“So, are you dating anyone then?”
She laughed, a real hearty laugh. “Oh Erhan, you won’t change. No jaan, I am not dating anyone, and don’t intend to in atleast near future. Far as what life holds for me, I will let it unfold and deal with it as it comes.”
“But Ayla, what happened to you? I like the new you, don’t get me wrong, but looks like you have seen a lot in the past few years.” He asked waving at the waitress for a refill. He was glad for having cleared the air, he was now at ease, more of himself.
“Hahaha. Well, you can say I have seen my fair share of life experiences. No complaints there.” She said finishing her bourbon.
“But you are happy.” He said smiling at her.
“Yes, I am.” She grinned with that same sparkle in her eyes.
“Hmm. I trust you. You look happy when you say that. Stay happy. You deserve it Ayla.” Erhan said earnestly.
“And you do too. It’s time you found your happiness Erhan.” Ayla smiled back.
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