10 Things You do after You Lose Someone You Loved!

What happens when your loved ones leave this world and you are left behind to live rest of your life without them?

Like I mentioned in my earlier posts, I did not know how it would feel to not have my dad around for rest of my life. But here’s a list of things that I have experienced since I lost my dad to an accident.

1. Your heart cringes when they are referred in Past Tense.

We are so used to talking about them that we often realize at the end of the conversation that we are still using Present tense for them. I for some reason have not been still able to put myself into the habit of using past tense for my dad. But often during the conversation; I make the statements and then at the end of it correct it saying "he used to say that; but no longer does".

2. Remembering them in every good and bad moment becomes a habit.

We obviously cannot forget them; after all they have been part of our lives. But I think a sort of guilt also creeps in when we start feeling happy about something. A guilt that says did you forget that you can no longer share this moment with someone you loved a lot. We keep fighting the famous saying - Out of Sight; Out of Mind. Something that I really don't want to happen is Papa being out of my mind.

3. Blocking your heart from making intense relations.

We consciously start making an effort to put our mind over heart. Having lost a loved one; we want to be realistic every time our heart starts getting closer to someone. We keep reminding ourselves; don't get too emotionally bound with this person; he/she might not be with you forever. It doesn't mean we start caring less. We will love and care; but at the same time keep doing a reality check in our heart that it’s not forever.

4. Start making conscious effort to end the conversation nicely.

I still remember the last time when I spoke to my Dad; I was in USA and my Dad was in Bangalore, India travelling back to our hometown. We made fun of my sister a bit; and then I just wished him Good Night and a safe journey. Told him will call him the next day once they reach home and settle down. That was the last chat I had with him. He met with the road accident that night; and I could never see or hear him again.

We never know when we are talking to someone for the last time. I couldn't have imagined my plight if that night I would have spoken to him harshly or argued with him. I generally never argue with my dad; but just imagine if I did. And forever, the last words that I would have told him would be those bitter words; which I could never correct.

So, now whenever I end a conversation harshly with my dear ones; it takes me not more than 5 minutes to call them back; tell them to ignore what happened; that I was just in a bad mood; and end the conversation on a much lighter note. I am not saying I don't argue with them; but I just ensure that I am telling them a proper good bye.

5. Never miss a chance to let your loved ones know how much you appreciate them

One thing that we would repent would be if we never let the person know how we felt about them when they were around. This is something I am glad I didn’t do. I would always tell my Dad how grateful I was that I was his daughter; that he supported me in being whatever I am today. I would always let him know through cards, letters, calls etc… that he means a lot to me.

We take our loved ones for granted. We are too busy with our life to thank someone just for being part of our life; which is the biggest mistake we make. Of course, they know you love them; but to hear that from you; there’s no bigger happiness than that.

6. Continue to do what you did for them when they were around

I used to buy cards for my dad on Father’s day; his Birthday & Anniversary and would give it to him whenever we would meet. (For part 10 years I have been staying away from my home; visiting them as often as I can). I still continue doing it; only difference is I put them in a memory box. I don’t know for how long I would do it; but I have been doing it so far. Somehow, it pampers the feeling of having them around.

7. Record your loved ones memories in some form or other.

In today’s digital world capturing moments of life has been very easy; whether it be photos or videos or voice. And these become so invaluable in future; that one cannot measure it.

I am lucky to have lot of pics of me with my dad and videos too. But I could not record his voice. Especially the way he calls me “Beta” (Child). I miss that a lot. If there is one thing I would go back and change is to get his voice recorded so that I could listen to him whenever I thought of him.

8. Surprise your loved ones when they least expect it

Once again; when we are left behind; and we can no longer see or feel them physically; their memories are the only way to interact with them. And these memories; even very small things that go unnoticed when they were around; become so invaluable that you wished you had spent more time with them to create more such memories.

9. Never try to avoid their topic in any conversation

I still wish my mom on her wedding anniversary. I know it is very painful for her to remember those days. We still talk about him and she shares her sadness. But at the same time she remembers those moments of happiness. One of my relative said we shouldn't be wishing her; imagine how much pain she incurs. And I feel that the worst pain for her would be if she gets a feeling that he is forgotten. I know everyone will have their lost ones in their hearts; but it is always good to be vocal once in a while. The pain of loss of our loved ones will never reduce; but by talking about them frequently will train our heart to remember them with a smile.

10. There is a void that no one can fill

Every person holds a special position in our heart. A void created by one can never be filled by others. Presence of others can divert our mind for a while from them; but cannot make us forget that pain; that void; that wish of “if only I could see him/her for one last time”.

No one can understand this pain until they have gone through it; so never make a statement that you understand what the person is feeling like. You can always be there for them, support them talking to them frequently, giving them courage to go through this pain.

Things are never the same. We just learn to live with this void.

-Sarita

Dated: 8th March 2015

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