What happens when your loved ones leave this world and you
are left behind to live rest of your life without them?
Like I mentioned in my earlier posts, I did not know how
it would feel to not have my dad around for rest of my life. But here’s a list
of things that I have experienced since I lost my dad to an accident.
1.
Your heart cringes when they are referred in Past
Tense.
We are so used to talking about them
that we often realize at the end of the conversation that we are still using
Present tense for them. I for some reason have not been still able to put
myself into the habit of using past tense for my dad. But often during the
conversation; I make the statements and then at the end of it correct it saying
"he used to say that; but no longer does".
2. Remembering them in every
good and bad moment becomes a habit.
We obviously cannot forget them;
after all they have been part of our lives. But I think a sort of guilt also
creeps in when we start feeling happy about something. A guilt that says did
you forget that you can no longer share this moment with someone you loved a
lot. We keep fighting the famous saying - Out of Sight; Out of Mind. Something
that I really don't want to happen is Papa being out of my mind.
3. Blocking your heart from making
intense relations.
We consciously start making an effort
to put our mind over heart. Having lost a loved one; we want to be realistic
every time our heart starts getting closer to someone. We keep reminding
ourselves; don't get too emotionally
bound with this person; he/she might not be with you forever. It doesn't
mean we start caring less. We will love and care; but at the same time keep
doing a reality check in our heart that it’s not forever.
4. Start making conscious effort to end
the conversation nicely.
I still remember the last time when I
spoke to my Dad; I was in USA and my Dad was in Bangalore, India travelling
back to our hometown. We made fun of my sister a bit; and then I just wished
him Good Night and a safe journey. Told him will call him the next day once
they reach home and settle down. That was the last chat I had with him. He met
with the road accident that night; and I could never see or hear him
again.
We never know when we are talking to
someone for the last time. I couldn't have imagined my plight if that night I
would have spoken to him harshly or argued with him. I generally never argue
with my dad; but just imagine if I did. And forever, the last words that I
would have told him would be those bitter words; which I could never correct.
So, now whenever I end a conversation
harshly with my dear ones; it takes me not more than 5 minutes to call them
back; tell them to ignore what happened; that I was just in a bad mood; and end
the conversation on a much lighter note. I am not saying I don't argue with them;
but I just ensure that I am telling them a proper good bye.
5. Never miss a chance to let your
loved ones know how much you appreciate them
One thing that we would repent would
be if we never let the person know how we felt about them when they were
around. This is something I am glad I didn’t do. I would always tell my Dad how
grateful I was that I was his daughter; that he supported me in being whatever
I am today. I would always let him know through cards, letters, calls etc… that
he means a lot to me.
We take our loved ones for granted. We
are too busy with our life to thank someone just for being part of our life;
which is the biggest mistake we make. Of course, they know you love them; but to
hear that from you; there’s no bigger happiness than that.
6. Continue to do what you did for
them when they were around
I used to buy cards for my dad on
Father’s day; his Birthday & Anniversary and would give it to him whenever
we would meet. (For part 10 years I have been staying away from my home;
visiting them as often as I can). I still continue doing it; only difference is
I put them in a memory box. I don’t know for how long I would do it; but I have
been doing it so far. Somehow, it pampers the feeling of having them around.
7. Record your loved ones memories in
some form or other.
In today’s digital world capturing
moments of life has been very easy; whether it be photos or videos or voice.
And these become so invaluable in future; that one cannot measure it.
I am lucky to have lot of pics of me
with my dad and videos too. But I could not record his voice. Especially the
way he calls me “Beta” (Child). I
miss that a lot. If there is one thing I would go back and change is to get his
voice recorded so that I could listen to him whenever I thought of him.
8. Surprise your loved ones when they
least expect it
Once again; when we are left behind;
and we can no longer see or feel them physically; their memories are the only
way to interact with them. And these memories; even very small things that go unnoticed when they were around;
become so invaluable that you wished you had spent more time with them to
create more such memories.
9. Never try to avoid their topic in
any conversation
I still wish my mom on her wedding
anniversary. I know it is very painful for her to remember those days. We still
talk about him and she shares her sadness. But at the same time she remembers
those moments of happiness. One of my relative said we shouldn't be wishing her; imagine how much pain she incurs. And I feel that the worst pain for her
would be if she gets a feeling that he is forgotten. I know everyone will have their
lost ones in their hearts; but it is always good to be vocal once in a while. The
pain of loss of our loved ones will never reduce; but by talking about them
frequently will train our heart to remember them with a smile.
10. There is a void that no one can
fill
Every person holds a special position
in our heart. A void created by one can never be filled by others. Presence of
others can divert our mind for a while from them; but cannot make us forget
that pain; that void; that wish of “if
only I could see him/her for one last time”.
No one can understand this pain until
they have gone through it; so never make a statement that you understand what
the person is feeling like. You can always be there for them, support them talking
to them frequently, giving them courage to go through this pain.
Things are never the same. We just
learn to live with this void.
-Sarita
Dated: 8th March 2015
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